Some people say they have a guardian angel watching over them. I can believe that. I have a guardian angel too. She's my godmother. Her name is Elizabeth. And if there is a God out there, he probably sent her to my sister and me.

I met Elizabeth when I was a little girl. She's the child advocate at my school. She is always taking care of somebody or showing kids right from wrong. She is about my height, with a kind, round face, pretty eyes, caring arms and a voice that shouts, "Put your hat on!" or, "If you don't sit you're on time out!" When I hug her, I get the warmest feeling.

My Guardian Angel
As my home life went from good to bad, my relationship with my godmother grew closer and closer. Each time I had a problem I went to her. I didn't tell her everything, but it seemed that Elizabeth always knew what I was talking about, and each time that I went to her my trust in her grew.

I began to call her at night or I'd visit her when she was at work and I needed someone to talk to. I would say, "Hi, Elizabeth, are you busy?" She'd say, "Hey, gorgeous, how are you?"

Elizabeth is like a mom to me. She's there for me when I need her, like when I'm sad or if I have a bad day. But I also feel confused about Elizabeth, because I have to decide if I want her to adopt my twin sister and me.

Should She Adopt Me?
My sister tries to push the situation on me by saying, "I wouldn't mind being her daughter, what do you think?" It comes up every six months when staff give the girls in my group home a paper asking if we want to be adopted.

My caseworker has a part in it also. She once said, "I would let you guys be adopted by your godmother because she's real nice...and blah blah...she's a sweet person...." I have to agree that Elizabeth is nice, but I'm not sure I want her to adopt me.

I Want to Be Her Daughter
Honestly, I want to be Elizabeth's daughter. If she adopted me, I could finally have a mom who I can rely on. I need somebody who would understand me and be there for me and love me like a mom. I don't love my own mom, who put me through so much abuse and pain. I'm glad that I've realized that my mom and I will never be family again, even though it's scary to realize that my dream of reuniting with my mom is over and I finally have to let go.

I want Elizabeth to know that she fills the empty hole in my heart. I'd like to think that if I were her child, I wouldn't be hard to live with. I could do whatever she needs in the house and act like one of her own kids, who are so funny and sweet. I would be nice and respectful to her and her family.

Afraid to Get Close
My fear is that if I became her daughter, I would have to get closer to her. I would have to let her see the parts of me that I'm ashamed of, and I'm not sure I'm ready to get that close to anybody.

I still have a lot of pain from my past, and I don't always deal with that pain in the best way. I enjoy drinking every so often. At times I cut myself. What if Elizabeth found out and couldn't handle it?

I think if she knew she would tell me to stop, but it would be scary to stop drinking and cutting, because then I wouldn't have anything to settle me down, keep me calm or cheer me up. What if I couldn't stop? What would she think of me then?

Can She Handle Me?
Now, I'd like to think that Elizabeth will love me no matter what I do, but how much can any person handle? I worry that if she knows me better, she might reject me like my mom did.

Elizabeth's nothing like my mom. She treats me like I'm Taheerah, not whoever she wants me to be, and not like only her mood matters. So I ask myself, "How can I feel like that?" But I'm terrified that if I did something she couldn't handle, she would push me away.

I don't want to express the parts of me that she's never seen before and make her change her mind about me. I don't want to feel like a mistake, which was how I felt at home with my mom. My fear that she'd reject me is so strong that, even though I want us to be close, I can't seem to let my guard down.

Staying True to Myself
I could try hard to hide those parts of myself from her, but I also don't want to change the way I act just to please Elizabeth. I wanted to please my mom so much and tried so hard to be her favorite that I forgot to be myself. I kept my mouth shut about how my father was sexually abusing me, and I pretended that my mother didn't know when she did. I love Elizabeth so much that sometimes I think I would do anything to keep her from getting hurt or feeling sad. That scares me.

Since I've been in foster care, I've been trying to figure out who I am. I do that by paying attention to what feels comfortable to me. If I live with Elizabeth and she expects me to stop doing what's comfortable for me and to pretend to feel things I don't, I think I'll be right back where I started. I'll find out that my fear is true: that I have to act like a person I'm not if I want somebody to love me.

Maybe She Could Help Me
Maybe if Elizabeth did adopt me, I would learn the opposite. Maybe I would be able to tell her, "I need you to let me handle my own problems so I can learn to deal with my problems myself." Maybe she would find out about my drinking and my cutting and tell me what I hope she'd say: "It's OK if that's something that you need to do for yourself right now." Maybe I would realize that I can let her see the parts of myself I keep hidden, and that she won't get angry or push me away.

I want to learn to handle my problems like Elizabeth handles hers. She talks about her problems, and makes jokes about them, and acts like life is going to be OK even if what happens isn't what she expected. I think Elizabeth could help me deal with my past and become the person I want to be—caring and open like her.

What If Something Goes Wrong?
But I can't help fearing that whenever something good happens, something bad happens too. When I spoke up about the abuse I went through at home, I thought I'd be moved to a safe place temporarily and that my mother and father would get help with their drug addictions and anger. Well, I came into foster care, but my parents have not gotten help and I'm not part of their family anymore. It hurts to begin to let them go.

Getting adopted sounds like it could be a good thing, but maybe it's safer for me to know Elizabeth as my godmother, because I don't think I can handle that loss if our relationship goes wrong.

This article originally appeared in the March/April issue of Youth Communication's Represent.