Chances are, we all remember our great childhood friendships—and days spent tossing balls, building forts, sharing secrets. Whether we had many, or just one or two, these friendships may have meant more to our development than we might think. Experts from www.aboutourkids.org [1] share their insights.

What Are Friends For?
Friendships are important in helping children develop emotionally and socially. They provide a training ground for trying out different ways of relating to others. Through interacting with friends, children learn the give and take of social behavior in general. They learn how to set up rules, how to weigh alternatives and make decisions when faced with dilemmas.

Friendships are not just a luxury; they are a necessity for healthy psychological development. Research shows that children with friends have a greater sense of well-being, better self-esteem and fewer social problems as adults than individuals without friends. On the other hand, children with friendship problems are more likely than other children to feel lonely, to be victimized by peers, to have problems adjusting to school, and to engage in deviant behaviors.

Having Friends
Most kids have friends, and children who have friends at a young age are more likely to have friendships at later ages. About 75 percent of preschoolers are involved in friendships, and by adolescence 80 to 90 percent report having mutual friends, usually including one or two best friends and several good friends.

Children and adolescents of all ages think of friendship in terms of reciprocity—what they do for each other—but what actually happens between friends changes with age. The toddler may help a friend rebuild his block tower; the school age child may help a friend with homework; the adolescent may offer advice to a friend on issues they can't discuss with parents. Although the issue of reciprocity remains constant, concepts of friendship and the behaviors associated with friendship change as children develop.

Friendship Through the Ages
In the toddler years, children begin to establish contact with peers, develop the rudiments of play behavior and show preferences for certain playmates. Preschoolers identify specific children as friends and interact differently with friends than non-friends. With toddlers friendship is not reflected in language, but in the time they spend together engaged in a common activity.

During the elementary school years children generally choose friends who are similar to themselves and who share their interests. At this age, children become increasingly group-oriented; the most well-liked children are those who can manage social relations within a group and think of activities that are fun.

The amount of time spent with friends is greatest during middle childhood and adolescence. Teenagers spend almost a third of their waking time in the company of friends. Most adolescents move away from relying on family and parents and develop close ties with friends.

Friends and School Achievement
It seems logical that having friends at school would enhance a child's academic progress. Schools can provide a network of rewarding experiences and represent natural communities of reinforcement. Friends can help each other with class assignments and homework; they can fill in what's missed during absences, and most importantly, friends make school more fun.

Research confirms these impressions. Longitudinal studies show that children entering first grade have better school attitudes if they already have friends and are successful in keeping the old friends as well as in making new ones. Similarly teens who have friends experience fewer psychological problems than friendless teens when school changes or transitions occur.

When Friendships Are Not Helpful -- the Downside of Friendship
The quality of friendship is important. The well-known "peer pressure" effect that starts in early adolescence, although positive for many, can also have negative consequences. Children who align themselves with friends who engage in antisocial behavior are at risk for also engaging in this type of behavior. Antisocial friends are not good role models.

Especially during adolescence, teenagers who have a history of difficult behavior and poor peer relationships can engage in delinquent behavior. In contrast, adolescents who have a history of positive peer relationships and are socially mature are more resilient and better able to deal with life changes and stress. Learning to deal with peer pressure, competition and difference is a necessary part of development. Helping children deal with pressure from friends is more important than protecting them from it.

Encouraging Children's Friendships
What Schools Can Do

For children who require individual help several different formats are presently in use:

• Children are taught social skills individually by an adult coach or counselor and then they practice the new strategies.

• Peer pairing therapy; two children with difficulties interact while they receive feedback from an adult coach. In some instances a shy child is matched with a more outgoing child.

For group interventions in the classroom:

• Conflict resolution programs teach children alternate ways of handling problems through peer counselors or adult-supervised techniques.

• Collaborative learning, cooperative assignments and games or "buddy systems" may foster alliances and encourage positive peer interactions.

• Reinforcement of appropriate social skills may enhance a socially reluctant child's social interaction.

What Parents Can Do

• Let your child know that you feel friendships are important and worth the effort.

• Respect your child's social style; some children do best with a host of friends, and some do best with a few close friends. Some make friends quickly, and some warm up to friends slowly

• Find practical ways you can help your child make room in his/her life for being with other children. This is especially important if your child is shy or reluctant about peer interactions. For example, be flexible about family schedules so that your child can find time to be with friends. Offer your home or offer to accompany children on outings. You might also make arrangements for your family to spend time with another family that has a similar-age child. Or, you could make concrete suggestions, such as "You can invite somebody to go to the pool with us on Saturday?"

The Best Ways to Help
Although some parents may sometimes feel as if they're being too pushy by adopting such strategies, recently completed research shows that children who were more well adjusted socially had parents who were more involved in their children's social activities.

If your child has a problem with a friend, encourage him/her to talk about it and think together about some possible ways to handle similar situations when they arise in the future. If your child was teased, help him plan good ways of responding in the future. If your child is finding it difficult to be with other children or to make friends, which may be the case with children having hearing, speech or other problems, or who are very shy, try to create easier situations for socializing.

Know your child's friends. With adolescents, parents have less opportunity to control their youngster's peer networks; nevertheless parents should remain involved and interested in their youngster's social life – should be knowledgeable about their child's friends, get to know them, ask questions about social activities and stay informed.

Parental support, trust, patience, common sense, and luck will help children acquire the ability to deal competently with social interactions. Children need knowledgeable and sympathetic guides to help them get along with people, feel good about themselves, and be responsible for their actions.

Anita Gurian, Ph.D., Clinical Assistant Professor of Psychiatry at the NYU Child Study Center of the NYU School of Medicine, is the Executive Editor of www.aboutourkids.org [2] and Associate Editor of the NYU Child Study Center Letter. She has written several books and numerous articles on child and adolescent development.
Alice Pope, Ph.D., Associate Professor of Psychology, St. John's University, has authored numerous publications on peer relations.

Related Books

Good Friends Are Hard to Find
F. Frankel
Perspective Books, 1996

Teaching Friendship Skills (Primary Version and Intermediate Version)
P. Huggins
The Assist Program Sopris West
1140 Boston Avenue
Longmont, Colorado 80501

Bullies and Victims: Helping Your Child Through the Schoolyard Battlefield S. Fried & P. Fried
Evans Books 1996

AboutOurKids related articles

Bullies: More Than Sticks, Stones, and Name Calling [3]
Back to School: Planning Ahead for Children With Special Styles and Needs [4]
Friends and Friendships [5]

©2000, 2001 New York University Child Study Center