I remember coming in from playing after school one day to find everything in turmoil. There were some strangers in the house and my Dad just kept saying to go get my things and to go with these strangers. My sisters and brothers were crying and pitching fits. I was so very confused. I did not want to go.

We got in a car with this lady, and the next thing I knew I was told to wait with my little brother and sister. My older sisters and brothers went into this big house in the inner city with the lady. When she came out she was alone. She got in the car and we drove off.

I did not understand and just wanted to be with my older sisters and brothers. We pulled up in front of a place near French's mustard factory—to this day I detest the smell of yellow mustard. We were left there and it was not a good place.

We had all looked out for each other for years but I had always been one of "the little kids," looked out for by my older sisters and brothers. I was now the oldest, at age 8, and protecting my little sister and brother was up to me.

But I would be unable to protect my sister and brother from abusive verbal treatment. My little brother kept running away. Finally our caseworker put him with my older siblings. We all went home again after that temporary placement—but within a couple of years we would be removed from our home and split up again in permanent placements.

Living Apart
I will never, ever forget sitting in a courtroom, hearing the judge declare my dad an unfit father. I was 10, and they had just passed judgment on the only person who had ever loved me unconditionally. Now, as an adult who has been single parenting her own children for 11 years, I know he wasn't taking care of us the way he should have, but I never knew we were neglected and I never ever felt unloved until I was put into foster care.

In all honesty, things had fallen apart as far as keeping up with all of us and the house. My mother was hospitalized—I learned later she was in the state psychiatric hospital. My dad was drinking a lot and we were a tad unsupervised but never unloved. We stood out like a sore thumb in our well-off neighborhood, though.

When it became apparent that we were going to be taken away from my dad, Mary* and Dan* agreed to take three of the five of us that were going into foster care. They were neighbors who lived just a few blocks away from us. They had decided to take my two oldest sisters and then were trying to decide which of the three younger ones it would be best for them to take, too. I was in seventh heaven when they chose me.

We were already living with them when the actual court hearing took place. Despite Mary's trying to talk me out of it and saying I was too young, I insisted on going that day. She finally caved in and said I could on one condition—I did not cry or get all upset. I agreed, not knowing that what was about to unfold would be ingrained in my heart and soul.

I do not know the words to express what I was feeling as I heard the judge's ruling. He asked my father to stand. I still hear his words echoing: "...this Court does hereby declare you an unfit father and remands your minor children to be wards of the Court."

A couple of years later my sister had a fight with our foster parents and she insisted that she get her way or she was going to call our caseworker and be moved. Years later I would learn that our foster parents had the audacity to refuse to let a 16-year-old girl go on an un-chaperoned coed ski weekend—or some such injustice as seen by the eyes of a teen. They called my sister's bluff, and unfortunately I was informed that I would have to leave their home, too.

A New Family
Next thing I knew, we were back at that same abusive temporary home that I had been in with my little sister and brother, and my disdain for French's yellow mustard deepened. My sister got a new placement fairly quickly with a high school teacher in our hometown who had taught several of our older siblings and heard about our situation. I was all alone with these people and their kids and a fluctuating group of other temporary kids like me.

One day my caseworker, who was a "goody-goody rich kid just out of college gonna help all the neglected children of the world" type, took me out to visit some people who she said might want to take me. They lived way out on the west side of town. I remember feeling like I was being evaluated, but all in all they were really nice and I wanted them to like me enough to take me.

A couple of weeks later my caseworker picked me up and took me back out to the people's house we had visited, but this time after about an hour she left and I stayed. I felt so awkward and uncomfortable even though I was excited to be there. What happened next changed my whole life. My foster parents sat down with me and expressed that they never wanted to replace my mother and father but that they would like to be my mom and dad if I would let them. Someone was asking permission to be in my life!

Not only that, they acknowledged that my parents were never going to be replaced by anyone. I would spend the next four years with Mom and Dad G*, and they remain in my life to this day. They respected my dad and encouraged continued contact with those of my siblings with whom it was possible, and they understood that my need to go home at 16 was not a rejection of them but a genuine need I had.

Impact of Sibling Separation
I was much luckier than the vast majority of children and youth in foster care then or now. Being separated from your siblings is hard on all children and has had lifelong consequences for all who went through it in their youth. My siblings have been a strength and an incredible inspiration to me as I have made my way through life. For far too many others the devastation of sibling separation has never been overcome, and many of these sibling groups have remained fractured into adulthood.

I love my sisters and brothers. They have been a beacon to me so many times in my life. Foster care is a hard, cold bureaucracy that leaves all involved with residual effects, whether you were the child, foster parent or caseworker trying to be human within an overwhelming, fragmented system.

It is long past time for us to address this unspoken impact of the current foster care structure on the sibling family groups entrusted to its care. For most of us, our sibling relationships are the longest-lasting deep family relationships we will ever have. Foster children in particular need the strength those relationships can give. Establishing, healing and nurturing their sibling bonds can help many proceed to healthy and productive lives.

* Names have been changed for reasons of privacy.

Connie Cass lives in Western Colorado. After the break-up of her twelve-year marriage, Cass earned a bachelor's degree in psychology and a master's degree in public administration. She is currently owns her own consulting business, Creative Ideations, providing support services to non-profits. For the past four years, Cass has been a volunteer with Camp To Belong ( cambtobelong.com), which offers siblings in separate foster-care placements a change to spend time together at a summer camp.