Reviewed by Wendy Shepherd

In 1992, I happened upon the book The Way We Never Were: American Families and the Nostalgia Trap, by Stephanie Coontz. This book changed my perspective on the past, present and future of American families. In short, it blew me away. I have used this book in presentations on work and family for five years, as it explores and explodes the myths about 200 years of family life in America. Now with the recent publication of her book The Way We Really Are: Coming to Terms with America's Changing Families, I will have to add even more myth-busting to my seminars.

Coontz's two books give readers an historical and sociological perspective on families which can help us sort out the truths and fictions about where we come from, live now, and are going. This knowledge is not only enlightening, but it is also empowering. Coontz suggests that we live in a country which fails to address the changing family structures taking shape over the past one hundred years. In The Way We Really Are, the reader is asked to keep an historical perspective before jumping to conclusions about the roots of changes in families. She asks the reader to think through the "family values" we hear talked about in the evening news by politicians and our community leaders. The "traditional family" we may remember from the television shows and advertisements of the 1960s probably never existed on our side of the TV screens, and it probably never will.

Families look different than they did years ago. There are many kinds of family configurations. Coontz observes that the statistics we use need to be more fully examined. For instance, we hear that 40 percent of all marriages end in divorce. What we may not have heard before is that this is calculated in reference to the chances of a marriage ending in divorce within 40 years. If you figure that our life spans have been lengthened, this actually means that a marriage today has the potential to last three times longer than one of 200 years ago!

The author also points out that the census statistics which reveal the number of children living with unwed mothers do not take into account households where both parents are living together, but are unmarried. Many times we accept what we hear in a speech or on the news as the truth, without examining it more fully.

Ms. Coontz has a way of turning historical and sociological information into enjoyable reading. You can almost see the individuals about whom she is reporting. She uses anecdotal information from her many contacts with families and students to "people" the book. She explores the "sound bites" of both the liberal and conservative sides of the family values argument.

Referring to our recent past, this author believes that the change in the American family has more to do with the changing economy than with the breakdown of the social system. The male breadwinner family model is a relatively new creation, she argues, which came about during the change from a farm-based society to an industrial one. Women have had to work to keep a family afloat for at least the last thirty years. With this economic change, there are more stresses put on families to perform all the work of running a household while holding outside employment.

Children, Coontz points out, have a less meaningful role in society than their counterparts earlier in the century. There are not many options for school-age and older children, especially teens, to make meaningful contributions to the family. She calls this lack of a particular place in the functioning of the family "rolelessness."

Coontz strongly suggests that we look at the public policy implications of ignoring changes in families. Our government gives little support to divorced families. Our school systems act as if there are two parents in each home, with one of them not employed outside. There is less investment in public education than is needed, and little investment in quality child care. She suggests that corporations look long and hard at the way they approach their employees' work and family issues. Coontz uses the term "coprovider family" to describe a situation where both parents, living in the same home, are employed outside the home. This is a reality in our country, she concludes, not an aberration. And it is here to stay.

This book explores the strengths and weaknesses of families today. It points directly at the need for all of us to keep an eye to the past as well as to the present and future. The chapter entitled "How Ignoring Historical and Societal Change Puts Kids At Risk" says it all. You cannot read this book without pausing to think about how you perceive families today. Are you buying into the myths the media projects? What are you doing in your community to support "nontraditional" families? How can you help a family going through the changes of divorce or remarriage? Are there enough mentoring programs and employment opportunities for your community's teens?

Stephanie Coontz pulls you into her logical and well-thought arguments. This is a must-read for all of us working with and for children and their families.

Wendy Shepherd, Catalyst for Action (Michigan), is a consultant and speaker who specializes in child/family advocacy and work/family issues. Over the past seven years, she has presented topics on balancing work and family to hundreds of corporate employees. She co-publishes, designs, and writes for JumpStart Michigan, an interactive Ezine for people who want to make a difference for children in Michigan. Wendy is a self-employed divorced mother of a 13 year old and a 10 year, and she is constantly trying to balance her own work/family issues!