Tameka Patterson (on the right)

Tameka Patterson worked with Connect for Kids this summer as part of the Orphan Foundation of America summer internship program. A former foster child and group home resident, Patterson agreed to share her perspective on what is the most important missing ingredient in the lives of many children in care.

There are children whose greatest fear is being asked their address, phone number or what school they attend. For most children, these may seem like everyday questions that can be answered without a second thought, but to a foster child they are not. How can you remember your address, phone number or the school you attend, when there are so many of each? The lack of stability in the lives of these children turns these simple questions into obstacles to stumble upon.

Whatever happens to stability when children go into foster care? Does it really matter to anyone in the system that children need a stable environment to help them develop? Too often, foster kids seem to exist only in the daytime lives of their caseworkers. When a caseworker needs to go to court, and wants to look good in front of the judge, then the child matters—but what about the rest of the time? When they claim to worry about children not attending school, do they mean it? Do they try to understand why these children stay away from school? Maybe they are tired of changing schools every three months. Maybe they are dealing with the psychological impact of losing contact with a parent or a sibling—or a whole neighborhood.

Group "Homes" Not Homelike

Growing up in a group home, it was hard for me to be friends with anyone I met at school, knowing that they would never be able to visit me after school, knowing that if they called to speak to me they would want to know who answered the phone. These are questions that, as a teenager, I was not ready to answer. These are questions that made me uncomfortable. It felt better not talking to anyone, because at least I knew I wouldn't be faced with questions I was ashamed to answer.

Constant change does not only interfere with attachment, it also causes suspicions. I was always suspicious of anyone who tried to get close to me. I always wondered what their motives were, and why they even pretended to care. I'd think, "This person is just being nosy." I held myself apart from everyone, so I would not have to worry about anyone leaving me behind, or me leaving anyone behind when it came time to move on. Over the years, this has become a highly developed skill that I have been able to maintain. It's almost as if I have built a wall around myself, and will not allow anyone to get in.

In some ways, I was lucky—I have seen many children change group homes, schools, communities. I didn't have to go through that. But I can just imagine how painful it must be. What did keep changing for me was my social worker. But I got used to it, after going through three of them in just one year.

How can stability be created in a child's life? What is needed in order for a child to develop and feel love and security, free of the fear that any attachment they form will end with that person being torn away? These are questions that should be given much more serious consideration by foster care and placement agencies. It is not enough just to find a place to put the child. The main concern should be placing a child in a home, where he or she can be loved and cared for by a consistent caregiver.

No child wants to feel like a foster child, or a group home child. Children do not need to be deprived of the love and affection they deserve just because they are in foster homes.

Tough Transitions

Not only do foster children struggle with the issue of instability, but right when they are on the verge of becoming adults, they are thrown out into the world and expected to fend for themselves. Between the ages of 18 and 21, everything is torn away, and there's no one to turn to, especially for those of us who have learned not to trust anyone.

This is not the way most young adults go through their transition to adult life. Many young people who move out on their own between the ages of 18 and 24 wind up living with their parents again, at least for awhile, when they run into difficulties. Yet someone like myself, who doesn't have that option and who has been conditioned not to trust anyone is expected to make it on his or her own.

This is a critical period for anyone aging out of care. My greatest fear was not having anywhere to live, or anyone to turn to for help. I was always confident that I could achieve whatever I put my mind to, but at the same time, I needed some type of support system. I needed someone that believed in me as much as I believe in myself.

Fortunately, I found that person—my high school principal, Carolyn Wagner. She has been there for me in every possible way; she is my guardian angel and has helped me through a lot, both financially and emotionally. She believes in me and knows what my capabilities are, and she always gives me the impression that the only way I can repay her for her kindness is to continue doing well in school, and become successful.

Resources

• To learn more about what young people in foster care think about the system, read the transcript of a Connect for Kids Talktime Live! with foster youth from New York City.

Despite her struggle in the group home, Tameka Patterson has successfully graduated SUNY New Paltz with a BA in Psychology and will be entering the MSW program at SUNY Albany in the fall of 2005.