Maria, St. Louis: Why isn't the Federal Government more involved it seeing that children get adopted? It seems to me there should an Office of Adoption...

Susan, CFK: I think the government has gotten somewhat more involved in recent years, since changes in the law have put greater emphasis on permanency for young children in foster care. But those are complicated situations that involve a lot of competing legal rights, among other things. The Department of Health and Human Services runs an adoption website, the National Adoption Information Clearinghouse, with lots of resources.

Anonymous: I have a nephew who married a young woman with two small sons. He's adopted them and they are a part of our large family gatherings. I do see, however, some resistance on the part of some family members to accept them as "real" family members. Any experience with this?

Amy: Yes, and one hopes that in time, as your relatives have more contact with these boys—and develop relationships—this will change.

Patti, WA: How can community best support foster parents who are considering adoption? Especially folks who are considering adopting adolescents?

How can community mobilizers best help that happen?

Susan, CFK: I ran this question by Robin Nixon, director of the National Foster Care Coalition, and she has some great suggestions. First, to make sure that families providing foster care, and families that adopt from foster care, are recognized as valuable contributors to the community, Robin suggests sponsoring foster parent recognition events, particularly during May, which is National Foster Care Month. Foster parents should be encouraged and supported in efforts to organize foster parent associations that can make sure the needs of these families are taken into account in local government decisions.

Community organizations can support foster and adoptive families by making sure these families get the support they need—not just financial, but in terms of training and information. And direct support, such as respite care, school supply collection, help with transportation, etc. can all be organized and encouraged by people in the community.

Cathy, NC: My husband and I are interested in adopting older children but we have young children in the home now. What is the best way we can prepare them for new siblings?

Pam: You don't say how old your children are now, or if they are bio or adopted children. My daughter was 5 years old, when we told her that we were going to adopt a baby. Since she is our biological child, we explained to her about adoption in simple terms: "There are two ways to have children. One is to grow one in your tummy. The other is to adopt a child who grew in someone else's tummy." There are also lots of great books for children. "Over the Moon" is one I remember (I may be getting that title wrong, but a good librarian should be able to find it for you.) I also bought my daughter one of those dolls that cries and coos so that she would be able to "help" me take care of her little sister when we brought her home. That got my daughter very excited about having a sibling!

Finally: one of the very moving stories in our book is about an older child adoption; the writer, Melissa Fay Greene, had four bio children when she adopted a boy, who was 4, from Bulgaria. She found that the process of bonding with an older child was different from bonding with a baby. The story ends quite happily (in fact, Melissa has gone on to adopt two other older children), but I think it's important for those who are adopting older kids to understand that the bonding process can take a different course.
And congratulations!

Susan, CFK: Jill, in your essay, "Color Her Becky," you talk about your daughter's Chinese heritage and some racial taunts that she suffered in school. With so many families adopting children from China, this is I'm sure an issue faced in a lot of homes. Now that Becky is a little bit older, do you have any more insight into helping her cope with racism and celebrate her background?

Jill: My main concern in helping Becky to deal with racism (and thankfully, the incidents have been few and far between) is that I not so overreact that I convey a message that race should or must be central to Becky's sense of herself. I want Becky to determine for herself what her "Chinese-ness" will mean in her life. If it proves to be central, then I will embrace that. For now, it's just one of many ways she identifies herself, and she tends to shrug off any taunting with a sort of That's-your-problem attitude. While I stress that racism (or any sort of nasty taunting, for that matter) is NOT okay, I also emphasize how proud I am of the way she handles herself in such situations.

Sherry, Minnesota: My husband and I are just beginning our search for a teen to adopt. How are some ways that you got to know your adopted children (Time to find out if you'd make a good match or not)

Amy: Speaking personally, both of my children were adopted as babies: my son, at birth, and our daughter at 9 months. Many people I know have adopted older children, some through the summer orphan programs in which a child lives with your family for several weeks, presumably so you can begin to see if it is a good match. Best way to get to know your adopted child is spending time—LOTS of time—particularly for the first few months. Initially, try to limit visits from outsiders, so it's just your immediate family. All of this promotes bonding and getting "to know your adopted children."

Ron: What was the total cost for your adoption?

Pam: Hi Ron. The cost of an adoption can vary, depending on where you're adopting from and the age of the child. Generally, private domestic adoptions and international adoptions cost between $20,000 and $30,000.

Susan, CFK: Joe, I know that fathers expecting biological children sometimes feel a bit out of the loop—is that different for adopting dads? Is it easier to feel like an equal partner?

Joe: I think it is. Adoption involves a lot of paperwork. You've got to prove that you are a good choice to be a parent. You've got to get letters from employers, doctors, police departments etc. Plus if you are going overseas, you've got to get visas and airplane tickets and make hotel reservations. So you do become very much involved in the process.

Scott, DC: Did any of you ever have a moment of real panic when you thought you had made a terrible mistake? How did you deal with that?

Amy: Hi Scott, Yes! En route to the hospital to pick up our son, I was overcome by panic. I realized this was probably the only irrevocable thing I'd done in my life. Well, the taxi kept on its route. In my situation as well there was definitely post-adoption depression. It had nothing to do with my particular child. Rather, it was the unanticipated and extensive changes in my lifestyle—and the fact that for 4 years I'd done little but try to have a baby. Now there he was. In the end, with both of my children, I never really felt I'd made a mistake—minor or terrible. But there was certainly an adjustment period that followed both of our adoptions.

Jon, NY: My wife and I hoping to adopt 3 girls. They are African American/Caucasian. They are beautiful little girls and we don't care what their heritage is! We love them no matter what. However, family members feel that this may hinder us as well as these children. I feel as though if they can not accept our family as we are, then we need to find a better source of support. Do you feel that adopting these children into our Caucasian family will hinder their growth and development?

Jill: I strongly feel that every child deserves and needs a stable, loving home. If you and your wife can provide that, then surely these girls will enjoy far better lives than if they were left in limbo, no matter what the challenges. That said, Jon, maybe you just need to give your family a little time to adjust. Right now, these girls are a hypothetical. It's amazing what happens when there are real children who give and need love and hugs in the picture. I have a Caucasian gay friend whose parents were very opposed to his adoption of a Latino child—until she arrived. Now, it's a lovefest. In our book, Sheila Stainback writes about balky relatives who resisted her adopted son. Guess what? They've come around! And if your biological family ultimately fails you, then you're right: build/adopt your own support system. The adoption community is a good place to look; lots of support there.

Anita, Detroit: Joe, in the description here, it says you were reluctant to adopt a second time. I haven't read the book yet, so can you talk a little bit about why you felt that way?

Joe: Actually, we only adopted once. So the reluctance only came up once (although it was certainly expressed many times.)

My essay in the book goes into why men might be resistant. To quote myself (how pompous is that?), "It comes down to this: time, money, career, age, sleep, diapers and control of the remote."

Basically, I think men see all the problems that a child presents, especially if the man is in his late 40s or early 50s, and see it as one big hassle. The essay goes into how those hassles were overcome (except for the remote) in my case.

This is not my case but I've known many guys who got married in their 20s, had kids, got divorced in their early 40s, got married again to a younger woman who wants kids of her own. Everyone of them raised most, if not all, of the same objections I did. But those who went ahead, as I did, are very happy about it. In other words, the issues that men raise are real, but fixable.

Cecilia, Connect for Kids: Immediately after Hurricane Katrina, a lot of people responded by offering to adopt or provide foster care to kids affected by the natural disaster. What are your thoughts about this kind of immediate response to adopt? Are there concerns that such responses may be too emotional?

Jill: People respond with their hearts, which is admirable. But the reality is that adoption is not an option in the immediate aftermath of such disasters. While adoption laws vary from state to state, all have requirements for first trying to locate the parents and, short of that, settle children with relatives. The same holds true with international adoptions, which I discovered back in the mid-90s when I tried to adopt a child from war-torn Bosnia. Much as we may hate to think of a traumatized child remaining homeless, there's another compelling consideration: the child's biological parents. As the U.S. State Dept. explained to me back then, What if the missing parent returns home from war? (In the case of Katrina, what if a missing parent turns up in a hospital?) Bottom line: such offers are kind—but authorities are not going to place any child until there is absolute certainty that the child is orphaned. And that takes time.

Cathy, DC: A close friend of mine has two children she adopted domestically. They are both wonderful kids, from opposite ends of the spectrum in temperament, likes and dislikes, everything. What's your sense of how siblings in adoptive families deal with each other and their different temperaments, is it pretty much the same as siblings who are biologically related?

Amy: Hello Cathy. Both of my children were adopted. I have dozens of clients who have adopted more than one child as well. Yes, you answered your own question, it's very much the same as siblings who are biologically related. I know adults, too, who were adopted into their families, and they are all most definitely sisters and brothers as in any family.

Susan, CFK: Pam, as you and Jill were editing this book, were there any perspectives that surprised you and perhaps changed your own ideas about adoptive families?

Pam: Yes, absolutely. In putting together the first section of the book, which deals with birthparents, I saw that adoptive parents often come into adoption with one idea about how open or closed they want the adoption to be, but very often their ideas change and evolve, as their children mature and relationships mature.

One of the writers in that section talked about how he entered into an open adoption convinced it was not only moral and ethical thing to do but that it would be best for his child. But a few years later, he saw his son wrestling wtih some difficult realities: his birthmother was homeless, an addict, who floated in and out of his life and could very well end up dead. Another writer had entered into an international adoption in part because she didn't want a relationship wtih birth parents, but unexpectedly she found herself obsessed with the birthmother and wished that her child had had the possibility of knowing her. I guess what I learned is not to think I have "the answer;" to recognize my thoughts on what kind of relationship to have with birth parents will probably evolve and change...And I may have second thoughts throughout.

Phyllis, NY: I have friends whose adult daughter died unexpectedly, and they then adopted her own adopted child, who had some developmental and emotional problems. This was a huge strain in their older years. What kinds of discussions do you think would-be adoptive parents should have, especially if they are single, about custody of their children in the event of their death?

Pam: Both bio and adoptive parents—whether single or married-should think through carefully whom they would want to take custody of their children in the event of death. Obviously, you should have a conversation with the person you'd want to be the custodial parent; do they feel they have the resources to handle this responsibility?

Cathy, AR: I have a friend who adopted twins. He has a great support network as a single Dad, but sometimes I worry about the inconsistencies in care giving—from very structured care in one instance to very loose, no bedtime rules in another. Any advice for him?

Amy: Hello Cathy. Twins are quite a challenge for any single parent, either through birth or adoption, and a good support system is critical for him and his children. However, with any child, consistency is very important. Children need to know the guidelines, expectations and limits and, inasmuch as this is possible, caregivers should address this together and come up with a plan that each one implements. An easy starting place is bedtime. It should be the same from one night to the next. Your friend, as the parent, should really determine what rules and expectations he wants the children to adhere to, and communicate this to the caregivers. Consequences—such as when they refuse to go to bed at the designated hour - should likewise be consistent regardless of which adult is in charge at the moment. It's a difficult task, but not insurmountable, and in the long run consistency is very important for any child's wellbeing.

Jennifer, DC: I am in the adoption 'paperwork' process. Ultimately, I will be adopting a young sibling pair from the foster care system. I have been reading many books and doing research on the internet about adoption in general, and found that there is very little information specifically regarding sibling groups/pair adoptions. Any advice?

Amy: Hello Jennifer. I would hope that the professionals working with you would point you in some good directions. I don't have any concrete resources at hand. But how wonderful for them, your family, and the family you are about to become.

Anonymous, VA: My neighbors have a daughter who they adopted as an infant, and she is now a teenager. She is having a rough time and says some very cruel things to her Mom about being adopted, not feeling loved, etc. Any advice?

Joe: I think your neighbor needs to hang in there, be as loving and supportive as possible, and wait out the teen years. My daughter is not quite yet a teen, so I don't know exactly what to expect. But every father and mother I have ever talked to about this says that the teen years are the worst, especially for girls. My guess is that this will pass, if your neighbor can endure (and doesn't kill her in the meantime).

Anonymous: I have had foster baby since she was 3 months old, she is 18 months old,now. Social Services is in the process of terminating the parental rights because they have made no efforts to do what was required to get her back. All was looking good for me to adopt this little girl. All of a sudden, after 15 months, an aunt from another state is filing a petition for custody. She has nothing to do with the rest of the family (her brother is the biological father of my foster child) who have all been in and out of jail for various reasons, including child abuse/neglect/murder, etc. She is the "best one of the bunch" according to social services, but I can't help but wonder if this is her trying to get one up on her brother. This child and I have bonded unlike anything her doctors and physical therapists have ever seen. What should I do besides pray?

Susan: I'm afraid that your situation falls outside the expertise of our guests. In general, it is always wise in a situation such as this to get good legal advice—hiring a lawyer with expertise in the area of foster care, termination of rights, etc. if you can possibly afford one. States vary in how much weight they give to relatives seeking to adopt out of care, but in general kinship is a factor. If anyone online now knows of good internet resources for information that would help Pam, please let us know!

Leslie, Maryland: I've been thinking about adopting internationally, but as a single woman in her 40s I am worried about taking on such a huge responsibility. What steps should I take to try and figure out if I can handle this financially and otherwise?

Jill: Leslie, Parenting IS a huge responsibility—and I don't know any older parent who didn't wrestle with such concerns prior to adoption or biological birth. The older we get, the more we're aware of what we've built—and what we stand to lose. What you can't see quite yet is what you GAIN once you cross from imagining and anticipating into actual parenting. You're wise to take a hard look at your finances. (Perhaps you could do this with an accountant, who might be able to help you get a better fix on current and future flows?) And it's prudent to see what resources are available in your area for adoptive families and single-parent families (e.g. playgroups and family networks such as Families With Children From China). But the fact that you're worried doesn't sound worrisome to me; it sounds like you have a serious intent and are very ready. Oh—and you might want to check out the essay in our book by fellow-chatter Joe Treen. (Full disclosure: Okay, he's my husband, too.) With humor and heart, he lays out the very concerns you mention—and then debunks them one by one!

Karen, DC: My neighbor recently was reunited with the daughter she had given up for adoption as a teenager. It's great to see her enjoying this relationship and getting to know her grandkids. She feels lucky her daughter found her, since it was a closed adoption through a Catholic organization. Do you think we need laws requiring greater openness, or should this remain an individual decision?

Pam: I support openness, especially when it comes to birth records. Every child, who has been adopted, should know the names of his birth parents, so if s/he wants to get in touch with the birth parents later, s/he will be able to do so. I really believe it's a basic human right—and need—to know about your origins. As an adoptive parent, though, I must say I really have a pet peeve about the way these "reunion stories" are covered in the press; often the adoptive parents are treated as if they were just caretakers, sitting in for the "real thing."

I consider the daughter I adopted from Kazakhstan every bit my child as the daughter I gave birth to 9 years ago.

Millicent, DC: When I was a young adoptive parent, adoption was something that was kept very quiet. I don't think that was a problem for our son, and I'm not comfortable with the trend towards demanding openness, I think it scares some young Moms away from choosing to make their kids available for adoption. Your views?

Amy: Hi Millicent. "Openness" in adoption has so many different meanings and levels, but people usually infer that it means an ongoing relationship between the birth family and adoptive family. In fact, many people do have direct contact prior to or immediately following the birth; others continue to send pictures and a letter at prescribed intervals, often through and intermediary; some have no contact at all post placement. These can also be evolving relationships - as people's needs change. However, young women considering placing their child really should not be afraid of openness. Nobody will force that upon them - not in any phase of the adoption. She would easily find a parent or couple who are comfortable with knowing her health and social history - and respect her need or desire for privacy.

Lyndi, Nevada: It seems that sometimes adoptive parents are eager to take credit when their kids turn out well, but tend to blame the biological background when things go bad...can we have it both ways? (I don't think so...our kids are the WHOLE package, good and bad)

Jill: Our kids ARE the whole package, Lyndi, and all the adoptive parents I know deal with them as such. But it's also true that owing to pre-adoption considerations (fetal alcohol syndrome, extended orphanage stays, etc.), some children emerge with biologically-driven issues that must be dealt with and cannot be wished away. Bonnie Miller Rubin writes about this poignantly, painfully—and very lovingly—in our book.

Anonymous, WVA: What do you think about the trend towards gay and lesbian couples adopting children? Aren't there reasons to be concerned about family stability and role models?

Joe: I personally have no problems with gays or lesbians adopting. I think gay and lesbian couples (and singles) provide warm, loving, stable, caring homes. And the children I have seen being raised in gay families are doing just fine.

As for role models, I am under the impression that the children have no problems. I can't cite chapter and verse here but I believe that studies show there have been no adverse affects.

That's all we have time for. Thanks, everyone, for joining in.