Carolyn Lehman on Surviving Abuse

Carolyn Lehman on Surviving Abuse
Transcript of live chat (4/5/2006)

Susan, CFK: Childhood sexual abuse is a scary topic. It’s hard to accept how common it is; hard to think about how often loved and trusted figures in a child’s life are the perpetrators of abuse; hard to realize that every child is at risk. So I opened up Carolyn Lehman’s book, Strong at the Heart, with more trepidation than anticipation. But the experience of reading it was more healing than harrowing. The survivors whose stories are collected here are an engaging group of people who are doing a lot more than “surviving,” they are building lives on solid foundations of self-knowledge, creativity, and joy. And their varied strategies for getting to that point are inspiring. I’m really pleased that Carolyn can join us on-line today to answer our questions about how we can support and strengthen children and young people dealing with the trauma of abuse.

Join the conversation!

Susan, CFK: I think everyone who reads this book will come away feeling a special connection to one or two of the people you include. For me, Jonathan – who was abused by a Catholic priest as a boy—really stood out. And I’d love to know how he’s doing now. He spoke of wanting to become a pilot, for instance.

Carolyn: Jonathan is one amazing young man. He was seventeen years old when he spoke with me about his experiences of abuse and healing. One thing I couldn't include at the time of the book went to press, because we didn't want to jeopardize the case, is that Jonathan was working with the district attorney to gather evidence via wiretap about the abuse. Father Jim was arrested and plead guilty. Jonathan graduated from high school and, yes, he did go to flight school and earn his pilot's license.

You can read this back story in greater detail (and Jenner's, too) at the "interviews" page of my website.

Margot, Michigan: Have a you found a difference between the way boys and girls handle the trauma of sexual abuse? Does it also depend on the age of the child when the abuse occurs?

Carolyn: The conventional wisdom is that boys act out and girls take things out on themselves. But in the interviews, I found that boys like Jonathan (and Tino and Arturo when they were kids) were very hard on themselves. Jonathan cut himself. The girls, too, found ways to be aggressive, like when Jenner and her friends bombed her rapist's mailbox and got in trouble with the law.

What staggered me was that every teen I interviewed talked about suicidal feelings and many of them had made serious attempts. There was no gender difference here. I think we need to re-examine our suicide prevention efforts with teens with this information in mind.

Dianne, Charllotte: Is there a commonality between the victims you've interviewed that seperates them from people who've never come foward?

Carolyn: Yes. Telling someone was really the first step to healing for all of the teens and adults in the book.

Jennifer, DE: My mother has left my abusive father and wants to start a relationship with me. How can I possibly know if this is a sincere move on her part?

Carolyn: I am not a therapist, but speaking survivor-to-survivor I'd say to take it slowly. There is a wonderful book by Laura Davis, I Never Thought We'd Speak Again, which offers help and insight for reconciliation. She discusses abuse in families and she reconciled with her mother years after revealing abuse by her grandfather.

Jack, NJ: Does a partner of a child sexual abuse victim have the right to demand that the victim never have a relationship with the abuser?

Carolyn: It can be very stressful for the partner of a person who has been abused. It's good to get counseling and to participate, if the survivor wants this, in a few counseling session together. You can also find support through your local crisis hotline. Working things out takes time, so be patient with yourself and yor partner. Good luck with this.

Linda, Seattle: My father was sexually abusive to me. I can't stand to face him in court. I have heard that my counselor has the obligation to tell the police about him, is this true?

Carolyn: Are you under eighteen? If so, your counselor is a mandated reporter. You can get confidential support from the hot lines, however.

Shannon Riggs, Victoria BC: Carolyn, how did you get to know the survivors in this book?

Carolyn: Oh, Shannon, this is such a good question and it has such a long answer.

In short, I found each person in a different way. Akaya is a long time personal friend. I found Jonathan through SNAP (Survivors' Network of those Abused by Priests) an activist organization. I found others through therapists, community organizations, and just plain cold calling.

What was important for me was to find teens and adults for whom speaking out this way would be a positive part of their healing experience, especially since I used real names and photographs.

Susan, CFK: What’s your sense of whether certain life decisions—whether to marry, for instance, or whether to become a parent – pose different issues for survivors of childhood sexual abuse?

Carolyn: My experience, and that of the people I interviewed, is that life is never really "as if" the abuse didn't happen. So, yes, issues around the abuse can come up at different times in life. Marriage, the birth of a child, a child being at the age the survivors was when the abuse happened, these seem to be especially triggering.

The good part is that in dealing with the abuse we develop the strength to handle these and a lot of other challenges.

Anonymous: Thank you for writing this book and doing this chat. I'm curious about what you've learned about children's responses to abuse, particularly when a parent is involved. Are kids in less financially-stable families less likely to report the abuse to the non-abusing parent? Or does this not factor in?

Carolyn: One of the things that was very important for me was to show an accurate reflection of abuse in North America today.

This meant looking for people from a wide range of racial, ethnic, and socio-economic backgrounds. Some of the people in the book were from wealthy families, and others quite poor.

Culture did play a role. In seeking out Latino and Asian speakers, I was told that what I was looking for was "a cultural impossibility." Fortunately, i found Arturo who speaks eloquetly about how difficult it is for boys in a macho culture to reveal abuse.

Linda Sturgeon Topeka, KS: question: Our agency licenses foster homes. if a child has been sexually abused and is then placed in a foster home, what is the most helpful suggestions you would have for the foster parents and the social worker?

Carolyn: Create an atmosphere in which sexual abuse is an open topic. And make sure that the sexual boundaries in this new environment are clear. Walk the talk about respecting the child's physical boundaries.

There are many ways to be open on this topic that don't focus on the particular child's experience of abuse. As a children's literature specialist, of course I recommend having books in the home and office—both fiction and nonfiction—that deal with sexual abuse and other issues of personal safety.

Often kids feel more comfortable talking about what happened to someone in a book. Last week in Santa Cruz I spoke with a counselor who is using Strong at the Heart this way in her boys' groups. She says that reading and talking about Arturo's story helps her teen boys (who are mostly Latino) work with many issues of drug use, crime, and abuse, without putting themselves on the spot or revealing personal information that they are not yet ready to divulge.

You can find recommended books for teens on my website.

Candice Baratelle: I work with teen parents and find that a significant percentage have been sexually abused abused. Do you see this as well?

Carolyn: Yes. People I know who work with teen parents tell me the same thing. My book is being used in teen parent programs for this reason. This is an important group to work with around their own issues because they are vulnerable for retraumatization. It's also the teachable moment when it comes to protection for their own children. Most survivors say "I don't want my child to go through what I did" but they may not have the skills and insights to choose safe partners.

Sara, NC: What do you think is the actual percentage of children/people who have been sexually abused? I hear numbers like 20 to 30 percent, but I think it's closer to 40 or 50 percent.

Carolyn: No one knows the answer for sure. Sexual abuse is our most underreported crime. But we do have good evidence that it is widespread and very common.

The most solid statistic I have is from the ACE study done by Vincent Fellitti at Kaiser Permenente. Working with the medical histories of 17,000 middle class and employed adults, he found that 1/4 of the women and 1/6 of the men reported sexual abuse in childhood.

Estimate range upwards from there with one in three girls and one in five boys abused by the time they are eighteen being the most common estimate.

Bill, TX: Are the systems in place to look for abuse effective at all? They just don't seem to be, considering how many adults admit to being abused.

Carolyn: There is a giant elephant in the livingroom. We have only just begun to address the prevalence of sexual abuse in our society.

Darkness to Light is an excellent organization that asks adults to look at this question and make changes in our institutions and our families to make childhood safer for children.

Susan, CFK: Some of the survivors in your book talk about their struggles with alcohol and drugs. Is there research into a connection between this kind of trauma in childhood and later problems with substance abuse? And is anything known about whether treatment should be approached differently in this group than with others?

Carolyn: Yes, there is quite a bit of research evidence on the correlation between drug and alcohol use and a history of childhood sexual abuse. Many people use these substances, as well as tobacco and food, to self-medicate feelings of anxiety, depression, shame and rage. Jonathan speaks especially vividly about the relief he found—at first—from the use of drugs and alcohol when he was in middle school. Of course, this created many more problems for him.

For many people with substance abuse problems, getting dry or drug free is just the first step. Then the emotions that they've been numbing come forward. Often people know what happened to them as children but believe that "it was no big deal" or "it's over now." When those strong emotions do come up it is important to have good support. There are 12 step programs for incest survivors. Survivors of Incest Anonymous is one.

Shannon Riggs, Victoria, BC: Were there legal issues involved in publishing these stories, such as in the decision of whether or not to identify the abuser?

Carolyn: Yes, legal issues were an important consideration.

I wanted readers to look into the faces of real survivors, people like them. And I wanted to use real names, too, to counter the isolation and the shame that many survivors feel.

To do that, I could only use stories in which the identity of the perpetrator was not evident, such as the two pedophiles who abused Arturo. Or use stories in which there was a court record, like Sheena's and Kelly's.

Of course, I checked this out carefully.

Shannon Riggs, Victoria, BC: Carolyn, as a survivor myself, I have learned on my healing journey just how often this kind of abuse happens. The numbers I keep seeing are one in four girls and one in six boys, and that the abusers are almost always someone the child knows.

When I see these numbers, I think, "Epidemic!" Yet, the news keeps giving us reports on an avian bird flu that might never happen instead of talking about the epidemic that IS happening. And when people talk about this issue, they usually talk about it as if the real risk is from strangers.

What do you think contributes to this huge public misperception of this issue? And . . . what do you think can be done about it?

Carolyn: We have some powerful denial going on here. People just don't want to admit that this is going on, perhaps because if they did it would require them to act!

One important thing that is happening is that more and more survivors are speaking out. I don't know if you followed Terri Hatcher's story which was recently published in Vanity Fair and in People magazine.

Terri kept silent and years later another victim of the same perpetrator killed herself at age 14, then Terri came forward. Her story illustrates why it is so important to talk about this, to be open about abuse. She gets it now and has come forward.

There are some powerful stigmas that survivors must face to come forward, stereotyes of Damaged Goods or deserving the abuse. My hope is that the stories of healing in Strong At the Heart will show us for who we truly are and let kids and adults know that it is okay to be open about this.

Kathy Hollywood, Maryland" I was raped by my brother many times starting at age 12. How do you get past the bad feelings (not sure what title to put on them) for your parents who did nothing about this?

Carolyn: I am so sorry this happened to you, Kathy. It was not your fault.

Being assaulted is bad enough, but when the people who should protect us do not, that betrayal can be even worse.

Of course you feel bad. For me, and for the people in the book, getting past those feelings took finding a safe place (usually therapy) to feel them fully, name and express them. If you don't have a therapist already, look for someone you trust who has a background in working with trauma survivors. Many people are finding that EMDR is a therapy that works efficiently with traumatic emotions. You'll need to find a well trained and skilled practitioner.

Please don't feel under pressure to "forgive and forget." I hope you honor your emotions. They are telling you something important. Please find a safe way to work through them.

St. Louis, MO After surviving the physical and emotional damage incurred by sexual abuse, what do you find most challenging in your life today?

Carolyn: Keeping my life in balance. There is so much i want to do and yet I know I also need to take time for rest, exercise, and contemplation. It is wonderful to live without the extra emotional weight of the abuse.

Stacey Schwartz/Union, Missouri: Thank you for shedding light on this complex topic. Have any of these survivors discussed their feelings about court involvement? Do they feel that the courts could have provided greater assistance and what role do you believe the court system should play? Thank you.

Carolyn:Our court system--including family court--is in need of repair. Justice for Children is an excellent organization that is working on this.

In her chapter, sixteen year old Sheena describes her experience with law enforcement and both the provincial and tribal justice systems. She is angry that her attacker did not receive a prison sentence.

Kelly, too, describes court proceedings, with a much more favorable outcome.

Jill, Alabama: Have there been any studies done to look at what affect the Internet has had on sexual abuse, whether it's giving abusers another "playground" and/or giving victims are place to connect?

Carolyn: The Internet is doing both.

The most disturbing thing I am hearing from people who work with youth is that kids as young as 11 and 12 are accessing very perverted pornography, including child pornography, and getting fixated at an early developmental age.

On the other hand, survivors are connecting via the Internet and it is a powerful tool for social change. At my website, people can get information about how to help themselves or a friend. Other survivors who are also blogging their experiences link to my blog.

More and more the conversation of "What can we do about this?" is taking place in chatrooms, on blogs and at websites. There are wonderful child help and activist sites on the internet.

Susan, CFK: I would imagine that the decision to ask for help, which you note is such an important first step, is also the hardest one -- kids must feel very scared sometimes, and their fears may be well-founded. What kinds of policies and programs work to make it safer for kids to tell?

Carolyn: This is an excellent question--and beyond the scope of this discussion. I'd recommend visiting Darkness to Light's website.

They have an excellent program for adults that asks us to look at these issues.

Barbara: Do you talk to abusers? If so, have you ever felt an abuser's apology, and promise to never do it again, is sincere?

Carolyn: I think that apologies can be very sincere.

When Tammy and her sister revealed that their stepfather was abusing them, he called the police himself and turned himself in. I think he wanted to stop.

But many offenders are extremely manipulative. So I would be careful and not consider an apology sufficient.

Tammy's stepdad is now serving eight years for abusing her and her sister.

Jan, Virginia: Do you have any advice for adults when a child confides in them about sexual abuse? I'm sure the response might be different for different ages. What responsibility does such an adult have to check into the situation or report it?

Carolyn:The most important thing you can do is to listen and believe. Say that you know it takes a lot of courage to tell and that you are glad he or she told you.

It is important to not over react. Children often reveal a little bit first, to see how you will respond. Stay calm. LIsten. You can sort out the details later.

Tell the child that what happened was not his or her fault, that it is the responsibility of older, stronger people to protect children, not harm or scare them.

We need to be reassuring AND honest, so don't make promises you can't keep.

I believe that we are all responsible for reporting abuse. If you are a mandated reporter, you should have a protocol to follow. If you aren't mandated, I'd recommend that you call Child Help USA or your local crisis intervention organization (Rape Crisis in some states) to get information and help for yourself in reporting abuse.

When abuse comes out, it is stressful for everyone. Get good support for yourself, but don't share your anger, fear, and upset with the child. You can certainly say, "I am angry this happened to you." But get support for yourself from other adults.

L.S., Washington, DC: I was molested at 9 (speaking out in talk therapy has helped me to heal). No one talked to me about sexual abuse when I was a child, and I want to raise my children so that, unlike me, they will know how to explain what happened. How do you encourage openness on a tough subject?

Carolyn: Get comfortable with it yourself first. It is hard to talk about abuse, especially at the beginning and especially if it brings up your own feelings of fear and vulnerability.

But if you are already talking with your children about their rights to personal space, about respecting feelings, about standing up for themselves, information about sexual abuse can come into these discussions without seeming like "The Big Talk."

It might help to practice with your therapist or other parents first.

Sarah, Central PA: This book has already "spoken" to several students at my high school—thank you.

On Monday, we learned that a respected, senior member of our community was arrested for allegedly transporting "a minor across state lines for sex and manufactured child pornography" (Altoona Mirror, 4/5/06, p. 1). I can see this man's property from our school. He is known by everyone here. Without knowing the details surrounding his arrest, it is hard to prevent students from making strong statements about him.

How do I help students deal with this situation? Where do we put the contributions and community-building that this man has provided for 50 years here?

Carolyn: Thanks for using Strong at the Heart in your high school. All of us involved in the book are gratified when we hear of people whose lives have been touched by the stories.

One of the hardest things for people to do is to reconcile the great harm that an offender does in abusing a child with the many wonderful qualities and positive contributions that he or she may also have made.

We need to be honest about this. As humans we are all capable of great good and great harm. It is part of the package. Making the right decisions about how we treat people is part of the challege of being human.

Shannon Riggs, Victoria, BC: I was sexually abused by a close family member starting when I was around age five. My sister was, too. Even though there are two of us, we do not have proof of what happened. Proof is very difficult to get. In addition to what you mentioned before, do you think that this difficulty in obtaining proof is a big reason why we are not yet talking about this issue openly?

I know it has been, for me. How can we get around this need for proof in order to talk about this issue openly and meaningfully?

Carolyn: Yes, proof is tough. The accused have rights in our society and they should.

Every survivor wishes for that hard evidence that will show the world their truth.

Still, you have your own proof in your life and in your sister's experience. Believe in yourself.

Robin Bell: As I know you are aware, many survivors of childhood sexual abuse have repressed the memories of the events until far into adulthood. In a lot of cases, the statute of limitations on reporting the CSC is up by the time the survivor even recovers the memories. Do you have any advice on what can be done in this situation (legally or otherwise), knowing that the perpetrator is still out there, free the continue abusing small children?

Carolyn: I can tell you what many survivors do, which is to inform family members and anyone associated with the offender so that they can try to keep kids safe.

You can also make a report to law enforcement. While it may be too late for a case to go forward, you can provide information that shows a pattern of abuse. This can help in future investigations if more recent victims speak out.

Jan, Virginia: When I was a psychotherapist, I worked with a few survivors of child sexual abuse. I found that dealing with the feelings of disappointment, abandonment and anger at responsible parents (usually the mother) who should have intervened but didn't were important aspects of the experience and healing. Have you found that?

Carolyn: Yes, abandonment by a caretaker is as traumatic as abuse. This is a big issue for survivors.

It tells us how important it is for this subject to come out so that adults can respond appropriiately. Some of the stories in Strong at the Heart show parents who have responded supportively and others who had to work through their own issues before they could support their child.

Thank you, Carolyn, and thank you everyone. That's all we have time for.


email this page | printer friendly version