Foster Youth Speak Out

Foster Youth Speak Out
Transcript of live chat (5/24/2006)

Young men and women who have first-hand experience of foster care are an under-utilized resource in our efforts to understand and improve a system that has more than 500,000 children in its care. What can recent graduates of “the system” teach us about how to make it better?

Theresa Moy and Schylar Canfield will field your questions about foster care, from the perspective of two who have been there. Moy, 19, was in foster care in Minnesota for five years. A Chinese-American, Moy found that cultural issues were often not taken into account. Moy hopes to earn a PhD in clinical psychology, and to be a foster parent herself someday. Canfield, 21, experienced a dizzying 13 placements during 11 years in care. A student at Montana Tech, Canfield is committed to advocating on behalf of young people in care.

Robin Nixon, executive director of the National Foster Care Coalition, and a respected expert on foster care issues, is hosting today’s discussion.

Steve: A group I work with is trying to organize a training for foster parents about helping children deal with sexuality and sexual behavior. Is there a big need for this, in your experience?

Theresa: There is definitely a need for training foster parents on the issues surrounding sexuality and sexual behavior. At times, some foster parents may feel uncomfortable or may not know how to talk to their children about these issues. Furthermore, their beliefs and values about sexuality and sexual behavior may not be agreeable to the youth’s beliefs and values. In situations like these, it is important to identify resources (other than foster parents), where the youth can talk about and explore these issues.

Schylar: YES YES YES, it is a very important. It is unfortunate that “different” forms of sexuality is looked as abnormal or wrong. Myself, as a homosexual, wished that my parents had been better trained. Instead of having to press their religion on me, or looking at my sexuality as a result of abuse.

John in Fort Myers Florida: As you look back on the experience how do you feel about the other under-utilized resource (Foster Parents) that experienced it first-hand right along with you? Should anyone ask them how the system can be improved? Currently no one does.

Schylar: I definatly think that they should be asked questions. They gain knowledge and first-hand experience, we all have had trials.

Michelle, California: What do youth aging out of foster care need most?

Robin: One thing we all need to think about is that 18 is really too young for foster youth to leave the system. Non-foster care youth receive significant emotional and economic support from their families well into their 20’s. We need to have more realistic policies for emancipation, with a minimum age of 21.

At the same time, we need to be sure that young people receive comprehensive training in independent living skills, as well as support in achieving permanency, either through reunification with their family of origin, through adoption or guardianship, or at the very least through ensuring that they have a strong network of relationships and support in the community when they age out.

Libby, Indiana: What was the most difficult thing about moving to different placements?

Schylar Having to adapt to a whole new lifestyle. Changing from a Lutheran to a Catholic, to being a latch-key kid to becoming under constant watch. I never knew who I was supposed to be.

Lupe, AZ What helps motivate you to keep striving to achieve your goals...whether it be with school, work, or personal stability?

Theresa: One thing that motivates me are my family and friends. Sometimes when it gets tough, I feel like giving up. But I tell myself that I cannot do that because I need to keep on going for the people that I love.

The second thing that motivates me are the current and former foster youth from the system. I did not have a great experience in care and I want to make it better for them. I remind myself that there are still hundreds of thousands of youth out there who are struggling just like me. I keep going not to just advocate for myself but for my peers as well.

Betsy E. Baum: What do you think is the most overlooked area when it comes to supporting emancipating foster youth? (not necessarily the most important...)

Theresa: I believe that there are several areas overlooked when it comes to supporting emancipating youth. I cannot point out just one. These include support to housing, healthcare, and education. These are just the basics. One thing I see and have experienced myself is the lack of emotional support and older adult support for youth that have aged out. Many youth have no where to go during holidays/school breaks or may feel like they are intruding even when they are invited. All youth need a supportive adult/mentor.

Matt, WA: How do sex ed. needs for foster kids differ from the needs to educate the average adolescent and their parents?

Schylar: I personally believe that it needs to be tailored more to the kids needs, because often the kid may have been abused and not understand what it is to have sex. At the same time I think foster kids should have relationships as part of their sex ed, because good relationships have communication. And communication is a big part of sex.

Rebecca Burmester Raleigh, NC: As a teen in foster care, what meant the most to you? What did a foster family do or not do that would have been very important to you?

Theresa: When I was a teen in foster care, what meant the most to me were the adults who believed in me and didn't give up on me.

Culture and identity were very important issues to me while I was growing up in foster care. They still are today. I would have liked my foster family to have been more supportive with exploring my culture and what my identity meant to me.

Stephanie, Kentucky: What services exist for former foster care youth and how can these services be improved?

Robin: Every state has a federally funded program (the Chafee program) to provide independent living skills training, support services, and transitional support to young people leaving foster care. There is a wide range of services out there, ranging from youth conferences to employment program, to full-scale transitional living programs that include housing. Lots of information about the Chafee Program can be found in Frequently Asked Questions about the Chafee and ETV program, available through the NFCC at www.natlfostercare.org.

There are a number of improvements to programs and policies that could be made to improve outcomes for youth transitioning from foster care:
*increase the age of emancipation from foster care to 21
*guarantee safe, stable housing for at least two years for every young adult leaving care
*provide tutoring and mentoring services to all foster youth beginning at age 13 to improve their chances of successfully completing high school and moving on to post-secondary ed
*Improve coordination between child and adult mental health systems and between the child welfare, housing, employment, and mental health systems.

Robin McAllistar, Anchorage Alaska: What system do you like to see in place for foster children to be able to report Foster abuse? Also what is the best way for kids safety to be monitored in the foster system?

Schylar: I really like the FYI 3 binder, it contains forms that can put complaints into writing so words and actual events won’t be twisted around. I believe regular home visits and keeping a detailed record of reported abuses is a good start.

(note from CFK: FYI 3 is a project of Foster Club and the Jim Casey Youth Opportunities Initiative)

Theresa: The better question is what system should be implemented for all children to report abuse in general. Children are afraid to report abuse because they are told that things will only get worse if they tell. We need to educate our children about what abuse is and that it is ok to tell someone if it happens to them. They should not feel ashamed, embarrassed, or that it’s their fault.

In terms of foster abuse, caseworkers/social workers should be better trained on how to identify it when it happens. Also, if more visits were mandatory, the caseworker/social worker will build a stronger relationship with the child, which leads to the child trusting that person more. Children need to be able to trust and feel comfortable when they share this personal information. I cannot say there is one best way for children to be safely monitored in the system. However, a strong relationship with caseworkers/social workers, therapists/psychologists, and other supportive adults can help greatly.

Matt, WA: You mention "you never knew who you were supposed to be". How has foster care impacted identity issues, cultural issues, self-image?

Schylar: I lived in some very liberal homes and some very not liberal homes. I had been struggling with my sexuality and when I realized I was gay, I had an issue with foster parents who made me lie about my sexuality, and go to be "discipled" after school to try and "cure" me. So I had to explore who I was without guidance, that would have been nice if a parent could have walked along.

Jennifer in FL: How did you feel about the possibility of adoption? Most judges that speak for foster children say REUNIFY at all costs. No matter the time a child will spend in the system without parents. Did anyone ever ask you?

Schylar: I had been offered to be put up for adoption because I had no chance to reunify with my bio parents. I was 14 when they asked, but I knew the chances of someone in their teens being adopted were not really good. I figured I would be out of the system in 4 years.

John, Washington DC: What would you do to improve the "voice" of foster youth in court - better attorneys, CASAs, GALs, better training for judges? What would be your approach?

Theresa: To improve the "voice" of foster youth in court, we must allow youth to participate in their case plans. Too often, people in the system are making the life-changing decisions for the youth. Since these decisions impact the youth, the youth should have a say on what these decisions are. It is also common courtesy to let the youth know what is going on throughout the process.

Martha, Chicago: How can the training for foster parents be improved to be more effective for kids in the system?

Robin: Foster parents have a tough job!! They need not only comprehensive training, but ongoing support from the social worker and from the community. One area of training that could be improved includes child and adolescent development. Foster parents need to know what normal developmental milestones are for children and youth, and they especially need to understand that some of the challenges their youth experience during adolescence are totally normal—-not the result of foster care!! Foster parents could also benefit from additional training in navigating the child welfare system-how to be involved in their youth's education and how to make sure their voice is heard in decision making in the court and in the system.

Linda Sturgeon Topeka, KS.: In the state of Kansas, our agency, Kansas Department of Health and Environment, issues the licensed for foster parents to operate in our state. Regulations focus on numerous health and safety issues in a foster home. In your experience, what issues need to be assessed most related to foster parents becoming licensed to provide care to children?

Theresa: Foster parents need to be assessed in so many areas that I can go on forever. One of the main things aside from health and safety issues is, what are the main motives of the foster parents? Are they doing it solely for monetary reasons? If so, they should not be foster parents. Furthermore, are they ready to play this role? They need to have the physical and emotional capacity to play this role. Foster children have gone through a lot of trauma and foster parents play a key role in a child’s recovery and well-being. If the foster parents have issues themselves, it is difficult to provide what the child needs. These needs are not just food, water, and shelter. Children need love, emotional support, and someone to advocate for them.

Schylar: I firmly believe that a parent’s capabilities need to be monitored, have a test situation with a kid.

Linda Sturgeon Topeka, KS.: Why do you think people become foster parents?

Schylar: I believe that people become parents for different reasons, some do it for the youth… and some do it for themselves. I believe that after a period of time a person’s reasons may change. That’s why if a parent’s reasons go away from the youth, they should re-evaluate their reasons.

Theresa: Some people do it for the money. Some may really want to make a difference in the lives of other children. Some may want to fill that gap in their mid-life crisis, where their children have grown up and moved out of the house. Some cannot have their own children. Some may feel obligated to take in kin. The list can go on forever.

Constance Miller, Chicago, IL: In your opinion, what is one thing child welfare agencies could do, or do better, to serve children and families involved with foster care?

Theresa: GET YOUTH INVOLVED!

Schylar: Decrease the number of temporary foster homes. Temporary situations counted for more than half of my 13 placements. I am assuming that it also hinders the parents when they have temporary placements.

Ms. Evelyn, For A Child's H.E.A.R.T, Inc., Vallejo, CA: Did you participate in therapy? If so, what was most helpful? What was LEAST helpful?

Schylar: I did, and to be honest the most helpful therapy I have received was in Intermountain Children's Home in Helena, Montana. They had something called "holding therapy" where they held the youth. It made the youth release his emotions, and it helped me with a lot of my anger and I also became closer to the holders. The least helpful were the regular therapists. I had to go to every week, because it was in my "case plan".

Lori/Phoenix: How different did you feel from other kids growing up in foster care, and how has this affected you?

Theresa: I always felt that other kids were more privileged than I was. They were able to do a lot of things I wasn't able to do. There were always liability issues.

While I was in high school, I wanted to study abroad. I was able to get scholarships to cover everything. However, I was not allowed to do so because of liability issues. This is one example of how it affected me.

Ralph Baxter Frederick, MD How many kids can foster parents have and do they get State stipends? Could this be a racket?

Robin: The number of children that can be in any one foster home varies by state. In most cases, the most that would be allowed is four or five. Yes, foster parents receive a stipend for the cost of caring for children. This amount also varies by state, from about $200 to $500 per month. The vast majority of foster parents care about children and become foster parents because they care. It's important to recognize that of all the children adopted from foster care each year, over 60% are adopted by their foster parents.

Portland, OR: If you could, what is the first thing you would change about the foster care system you were involved with? If you had to make a change that would have a significant impact on youth in foster care but could *not* access additional money to make the change, what would it be?

Schylar: The first thing I would change about the foster care system, would be... the number of temporary homes that youth have to go do. It really sucks to have to move so much, when the excuse is that they were just a temporary home. It made it harder to connect with future parents. If I could access more money, I would get college tuition waivers for foster youth in my state. It would increase the number of foster youth that go on to college.

Libby, Indiana I want to begin giving little gifts (bookmarks, stickers, etc.) on a weekly basis to the elementary-aged school kids in the school district who are in care. Would it be scary to receive gifts without knowing who they are from? I want them to know there are people "outside the system" that care about them.

Theresa: I don't think it would be scary to receive gifts without knowing who they are from. I think it would be nice to know that someone cares. But at the same time, I don't want to feel like a charity case. But in general, I don't think it's a bad idea.

Ericka, Ks: I've been in foster care for almost 8 years, I have been in all types of placements: foster homes, shelters, and group homes. Right now I'm in a group home called 'The Villages'. My home and family are four hours away from where I am. Are you going to work on a way to keep foster youth close to their homes and family? If so, how are you going to make that work? Sometimes, like me, when the youth are released from custody they have no way to get back to their families.

Schylar: I have no experience with bio family issues like yours. But what I would recommend. Is when you age out of the system, you become an advocate for youth in care. Your experience could help many others in the same situation very similar to yours. I believe that if no one ever speaks up about what needs done, then nothing will ever change.

Lupe, AZ: When you talk about issues with self identity; did you also feel discriminated against by the system for being a foster youth? Did you feel you were judged and silenced because of this? What do you reccomend foster youth should do to "embrace" there foster-ness?

Schylar: I do, every home I went to didn't believe anything I said. I was automatically a foster kid and their opinion was that foster kids were always dishonest and thieves. It really stunk that I had done nothing wrong to be punished with a stereotype. I would recommend that foster youth embrace who they are. So some of us are given a bad hand, but with a bad hand we build strength within ourselves. We are more mature when age out than our normal peers. We grow up really fast and know how to play the game of life.

Mindy, Evanston, IL: How many different placements did you have? Isn't adoption the best way to reduce the number of placements kids in foster care experience?

Theresa: While I was in care, I had 4 different placements. I guess I was one of the lucky ones because that number isn't too high. However, every time I left a family it was very difficult whether it was a good experience or not with the family. When you move, your sense of stability diminishes.

I don't think that adoption is the best way to reduce the number of placements kids in foster care experience. Adoption is legal permanency but it may not mean emotional permanency. Just because someone adopts a kid does not necessarily mean that it is the best placement. Although adoption may reduce the number of placements, a kid may not necessarily be happy either.

Nancy, Oklahoma: Schylar, what did foster parents do to help you understand your sexual identity struggles?

Schylar: Foster parents did nothing to help me understand. I was taught that abstinence was the only way, and that gays were going to hell. So I believed that for a long time, it was actually the gay community that helped me be alright with who I was.

Joan: Robin, so much is being said about foster parents being more educated. How do you feel about birth parents having to be more educated in child-rearing today?

Robin: I think we all could use more education AND more support in being good parents. Many other countries, especially in Europe, provide lots of home visiting services and child rearing supports to new parents for those first crucial years. We don't seem to get much, if anything! And even though I'm a trained youthworker, I often feel as though I could use some additional training (and maybe a support group!) for dealing with my teenaged girls, who are giving me a real run for the money! I will fall back on one standard answer—all parents need to give kids lots of time and attention—both quality and quantity time. That's something that seems kind of hard to come by these days.

Jennifer in FL: Out of the system in four years???? Families last forever. I do hope you have one.

Schylar: I have a family now, but it wasn't found in foster care. I felt I was too old, and my foster brother agreed, it might take years before I would get adopted.

Martha, Chicago: How could schools be more sensitive to the needs of children in foster care?

Schylar: Help them keep up as students. We move so much and change schools just as much as we move. That means sometimes we lose weeks or semesters of school. And if we struggle, help us find tutors. Most important of all believe in us, because if pushed we can do well. I was behind 2 semesters and made it up double to graduate on time, with Honors.

Meagan, Massachusettes: How do you help kids be more resilient when they've endured abuse or trauma - how do you help them gain or maintain hope?

Schylar: For me it was the foster parent that was not afraid to get close and push beyond the wall I put up, a lot of foster parents were afraid to get close me because of my abuse history.

Robin: I’d like to answer Ericka’s question as well. The best programs and policies ensure that families, youth, the courts, and the child welfare system work together to ensure that the child/youth can receive needed services while remaining close to their family. Some systems, like New York city, have policies that require youth to be place in foster homes within their own borough/neighborhood. In the case of a residential, or group home program, it’s often harder to place a young person close to home. It’s the responsibility of the program, as well as the state or county social worker, to ensure that family relationships are maintained, and that young people have a transition plan that allows them to return to their home community with connections and supports.

John, FL: This is so sad I can't even read another word. As a Foster Parent who has 2 children in the final stages of adoption, I still thought all children had dreams of a forever family as opposed to the dream of "aging out". I'm sorry for your situation, there are soooo many parents out here that want to be a forever family yet the "system" itself keeps them waiting in a long line. God Bless You.

Jessica: Is there a model program or service to help most young people successfully transition out of the foster care system. Can you please describe it? And, if not, why doesn't it exist yet?

Theresa: “IT’S T TIME” is a publication by FosterClub that helps youth transition out of the system. Each state operates differently but there are Independent Living Coordinators in every state. Contacting the person in charge in your state may help you with your question.

Schylar: Hard question, I believe that FosterClub provides some awesome utilities through its website as well. The teen conference put a focus on the aging-out process. They provide tools like strategic sharing, continuing education, and many other topics that help youth in the aging-out process. I am not sure if it is the model program, but it’s off to a good start.

HTJ, Bethesda, MD: Could you specify what part of the case plan you would like to be a part of? My experience is that the decisions are between caseworker and foster parent in a very busy situation and that no one is thinking very long-range. What could nurture more long-term planning?

Theresa: I would say be a part of the case plan as much as possible. If someone is making a decision that affects your life, you should have a say in it. When the caseworker and foster parents are not letting you in, speak up and allow yourself to be a part of that case plan. Allow yourself to have some power and control over your life.

As to the question about nurturing more long-term planning, a youth's participation is essential. Foster parents and caseworkers may change. Sometimes not all the right information gets handed down to the next person. In addition, the youth knows himself/herself best rather than the documents that describe the youth. So definitely, a youth's involvement is important.

Holly, Bethesda, MD: Who encouraged you both to go to college?

Schylar: Probably my sixth grade music teacher, who became my mentor. He offered me voice lessons in exchange for yard work. He got me involved with acting and this all got me out of the house, of a very abusive foster home. He probably saved me more times than I can remember. Today he is like a father, and he pretty much said I was going to go! I agreed...

Jan, Virginia: It sounds like it's really important to have at least one person who is stable in your life--to confide in, report abuse, trust. Did you have the same caseworker even if you moved foster homes? Did that help?

Theresa: I did not always have the same caseworker as I moved foster homes, which is one of the reasons why I can never trust anyone. No one was ever stable in my life while I was in care. They seem nice and like that they want to help, but then they leave. Once I build trust with someone, they leave. It is very difficult for someone who has been through trauma and abuse to retell their story all the time.

I was reunified with my biological family when I shouldn't have been and later returned to the system. That shouldn't have happened. If I had someone who was more stable in my life and someone I trusted, the instability of moving from home to home could have been prevented. Furthermore, I wouldn't have had to live that extra year of torment and abuse.

Melinda, NC: I am a little concerned about the young people stating exactly where they live and their name with their questions since this is an open forum. As an alumni I know how sacred our safety is.

Connelly, California: Theresa and Skylar, I am a foster youth. I want to do more advocating for other foster kids and to improve the foster care system. What are your ideas on how I can do this?

Schylar: Ok, well there are all sorts of ways. You can get involved with your local Foster Youth Advisory Board. Or you could contact FosterClub, their All-Star program is all about advocacy and education. Start your own local advisory Board, or maybe get in contact with your State Independent Living Coordinator and see what they recommend, they are always looking for youth leaders.

Colleen McCauley-Brown, Philadelphia Citizens for Children and Youth: How did being in foster care impact your schooling? Was it difficult to stay connected to school? What were some of the challenges and/or opportunities you encountered? What do you think needs to be done in order to improve the education system for youth in foster care - and to decrease the number of youth in foster care who drop out of school?

Schylar: I moved schools so many times that my junior year in high school I was taking 3 maths, 3 sciences, and 3 english courses so that I would graduate on time. It was very stressful and kind of stunk that I had to work so hard just to feel normal. I luckily, never felt like giving up. I had a drive and a will to succeed. I go back to decreasing the number of temporary foster homes, because the less moving a youth has to do the more likely he is to succeed in school.

Theresa: I have always been an honor student. Being in care was disruptive but did not stop be from achieving my goals. I graduated high school at the top of my class. However, getting there was not easy once I got into care. With moving around, some subjects were repeated. I learned things I have already learned before. It did not help me advance my education. I should have been in the honors calculus class my senior year of high school, but instead I was in the honors pre-calculus class. This is a result of transferring schools and not keeping records.

To improve the education for youth in care, it should be mandatory to keep records and to create a portfolio for youth in care. That way, youth will not lose records and be able to advance in their education.

To decrease the number of youth in care that drop out of school, SUPPORT is the answer. Support groups with peer mentors that meet daily/weekly/monthly can be useful. An foster care alumni can also be very instrumental in supporting a youth in care.

Holly, Bethesda, MD
Who encouraged you both to go to college?

Theresa
It has always been in my goals to go to college and get the highest degree possible. I have always been a very academic person and have done well in school.

While I was in care, moving around affected my education. I was taught the same subjects. I was not able to advance my education. I felt like I was stuck in the same place for a while.

But it still did not stop me from going to college because it has always been in my goals.

John, Potomac, MD
How would you have reacted as a young teen to someone showing you this discussion as a basis for further conversation of his/her foster care placement?

Schylar
I think that might have been helpful. To be able to see another youths' responses true and not hindered, might help him be more open and honest about his placement, good or bad.

Michelle in California
What do you think are the best ways to help foster youth maintain permanent connections with their bio-family and/or other important adults that they want to be connected to?

Schylar
I recommend asking them who their important adults are, and help them stay in contact and foster their relationship, as long as it's healthy for both parties.

Libby, Indiana:
What is the average age of a foster child?

Robin:
I'm not sure of this answer. I believe that the largest number of foster children are 0-5, and then the next largest group is 11-18. I don't think that there's a huge majority at any particular age.

J. Kelsey: My husband and I are now going through class to become foster parents. What helped you and your family most to get through the tough times? What was the worst think that a foster parent said to you, when trying to comfort you? What do you think is the best thing a foster parent can do to help the child when he or she is first placed in a home?

Schylar: The worst thing a parent said to me was that I was going to be a failure and never succeed, because I am an offspring of failure. Talk about burn! Funny thing though, that comment made me so mad that to this day I strive to do my best to prove them wrong. The best thing a parent ever said, “You have to love yourself, to love anyone else. I love you no matter what, but you won’t believe that until you believe yourself.” Makes me want to cry just thinking about it.

Theresa: What helped me the most is someone who is willing to listen and support me. Someone who will never judge me.

The best thing a foster parent can do is to accept them for who they are. Don’t try to change them, allow them to be themselves. Even though you may not agree at all times with the young person, remember that everyone is different. Your values and beliefs may conflict. Neither party is right or wrong. It’s just different.

Robin : This answer is for Connelly from CA --

Join the California Youth Connection—they are one of the best foster youth advocacy organizations in the country.

Trista: I am a new foster parent and today I will meet my first child who was just told tonight that he will be coming to live with me. My question is this... As a foster child what is the most important thing that you looked for in your foster family and its home and what do you feel made you comfortable to be in your foster family? My goal is to adopt a foster child in the future and I want to make any transition with my foster child go as easy as possible.

Schylar: Be sincere with your emotions. We are both a little uncomfortable with a new placement. Offer your understanding, and trust... he might not know how to react, but just you being sincere and honest, and heart open is going to help a lot. After some parents get "burnt out" they often don't have the welcoming sincerity that new foster parents do in the begining.

Louis Carter, St. Paul, Minnesota: Do most youth who are in Foster Care know about the Educational and Training Voucher Program?

Schylar: I didn’t discover the ETV until I applied for the Orphan Foundation of America’s scholarship; there website and application process referred me to my states ETV program. Which is great, because $5,000 really goes along way in helping to decrease college loans. I only have 10 thousand in loans and have been in school for 3 years already…

Theresa: Considering that it pays for college, you would think that every foster youth in the system would know about it. However, it is amazing how many youth don’t know about the ETV when I brought it up in conferences.

There are some states where I meet youth and they know everything about it. Then there are some states where I will ask youth about ETV and I would get blank stares. I would say that it is very uneven. A huge part of it is how involved the caseworker/social worker is with the youth. Most youth hear about this opportunity first from these people. If the caseworker/social worker is not on top of it, then the foster youth will have to find out on their own.

Louis, St. Paul, Minnesota: If you were going to start a mentoring program for foster care youth aging out of foster care, what would be important to you in this program?

Theresa: As far as the mentoring program goes, there are two things I feel are really important. One is to involve foster care alumni because they’ve been in the system and can relate to foster youth who are currently in the system. The second thing is youth involvement. When youth have a say in what actually goes on, they are more likely to participate.

Schylar: I believe that there needs to be a mentoring program that specializes in relationships. If we teach youth aging out of care relationships, it will greatly impact pregnancy, disease transmission and the rates of abuse. These areas are overlooked a lot in foster care because they are such sensitive issues to be handling. I have personal experience with some peers in care contracting HIV because the basics were never taught to them.

Cumberland, Maryland: Did you stay in foster care after your 18th birthday? Would you have been allowed to stay in foster care until you were 21? If you did stay in foster care after age 18, what did your social worker (or your attorney) tell you about the advantages and disadvantages of staying in foster care?

Schylar: I did stay in the system till the age of 18, they allowed me to stay in until graduation day. This was nice because it allowed me to complete high school.

Theresa: In Minnesota (the state I was in care), you can only stay in foster care until you are 18. However, I happened to get extension of benefits until I went to college, meaning my foster parents still got some monetary support for keeping me in their home. I was not allowed to stay in care until I was 21.

John, Washington D.C.
From your own experience or in talking to others, do you think the system errs too much on the side of reunifying families/keeping them together or too much on the side of taking and keeping kids out of the home?

Theresa
From my own experience, I would have to say that the system is more on the side of reunifying families/keeping them together.

Although I did not want to go home, I was still reunified with my family. As a result, I was silent for another year before I spoke up and reentered the system.

I could be wrong but past research I have done shows that reunification is emphasized and the statistics show that as well.

I feel that reunification may not always be the best thing for a youth but it is something our system strives for. I've been told when I was in care that when it comes down to it, there are just not enough homes to go around. I feel that it can be true at times.

Libby, Indiana
Would it be helpful for all the foster youth, within a district, to meet? Have a support group?

Schylar
Never had that offered to me, but that would have been a really neat idea! Even give the youth a chance to make some friends that are similar to themselves. I would have enjoyed that.

Connelly, California: Theresa and Skylar, I am a foster youth. I want to do more advocating for other foster kids and to improve the foster care system. What are your ideas on how I can do this?

Theresa: Aside from what Schylar and Robin mentioned, you can also consider joining the National Foster Youth Advisory Council (NFYAC)

Melinda, NC: This is in response to Libby. The average of a child in foster care is 10.2. But the largest population of foster youth are ages 11-15 making up 30% of children in care.

Jeanne Duffy/Phoenix, Arizona: A lot of times we hear alum foster kids say it was NOT a great experience. Would you say it was the home(s) you were in or the system itself???

Theresa: Both the home itself and they system contributes to the "not so great" experience. The home can be fine, but it is still the system that the foster parents are under. I think the home is a part of the system.

Schylar: I would have to say that it was a combination. Some of the abuse that I received in foster care could have rivaled that which I received from my biological family. At the same time, I often went years without seeing a social worker, unfortunately often at times when I needed them the most.

Cumberland, Maryland: How did you feel about leaving foster care?

Schylar: When I left foster care, I couldn’t have been more excited. I had so much anger built up that I wanted to leave and never look back. What I know now that I didn’t know then, is that my foster care history is a big part of who I am. It is also a useful tool in connecting with other foster kids from across the nation.

Lena, Ohio: Maybe I missed this answer, but have either of you ever had any special need foster siblings? And if so, how was that handled?

Schylar: Yes, I was in a couple different homes with kids with special needs. One foster home had a deaf boy, and that was a struggle in communicating with him, they took sign language. A lot of my foster peers had learning issues, for the most part I didn't even see how that was handled.

Teresa/Indianapolis, Indiana: Did you have an advocate (CASA) while you were in the foster care system? If so, what do you wish they had done differently, or what did they do right?

Theresa: In my state, MN, we had an appointed guardian ad litem. This person only saw me before court dates. It seemed like he was only doing the bare minimum and I wonder why he took the job because it was volunteer work in my state. Whenever he spoke in court for me, he was never current with what was happening with my life. He would say things that happened 3 or 4 months ago. What I wished he did differently was at least meet me once a week to just get to know me. That way trust could of been built and he could of represented me better in court.

Karen in Washington: I am in foster care and people don't think that I should see my brother and sisters, but I think they are wrong. What can we do to make people understand that it is important to be able to see our families?

Theresa: This situation happened to me as well. My biological brother lived in the same foster home with my biological sister and I for 3 months. It didn't work out because he did not get along with my foster home. He was sent away.

After he left, my foster mom would not allow me to see him because she believed he was a bad influence to me and my sister. He was into drugs. However, my sister and I had no interest in drugs and that had nothing to do with us seeing our brother. It was just a power struggle for my foster mom because she didn't like my brother.

Even when my social worker told my foster mom that I could see my brother, she still placed a lot of restricitons on us to the point that I basically could not have contact with my brother. I used to think that I'll just contact my brother when I leave care. However, he passed away unexpectedly during my junior year of high school. To this day, my former foster mom places restrictions on me contacting my biological sister who lives with her.

So the moral of the story is you have to speak up about how important it is for you to see your siblings. Nobody can advocate for you better than yourself.

That’s all the time we have for today. Special thanks to Theresa, Scylar and Robin.


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