March 22, 2004

Dealing with Death
Helping kids cope with death isn’t easy, especially for teachers. Many readers shared their personal experiences in response to January’s “Kid Gloves” column on the need to better educate the educators on this sensitive subject.

My mother died in the Rhode Island nightclub fire in February 2003. She left behind myself (age 20) and an 11 and 12 year-old son and daughter. Your article was very helpful and useful. And it taught me a lot. I just wanted to say thank you.

Angela Boggs

We lost our only child, a daughter, about four years ago in a car accident. She had three children—her youngest had no father. My wife and I adopted him and he is now eleven. Every day is a new experience as he confronts different things in life. Many kids ask him why he has no mother and no father. His reply is that his grandma and grandpa are also mom and dad and he is lucky because they are all in one house. It makes me cry yet to think about the hardships he has gone through at such a young age. We spent the first eight months he was with us in counseling and still go back as he hits low points. He loves school and does very well, we are very proud at how he has adjusted, but hope his life is always rewarding and full. I printed your story to share with his teacher. He has had wonderful teachers for the last four years and each has said he is a gift…It takes a lot of help when a child had had this much PTSD in his short life. Thank you for sharing.

Jim Davy
Roseburg, Oregon

The following PTA President had a question involving a child in his community who lost a parent after a devastating natural disaster:

We have an eight-year old boy that lost his father in Hurricane Fabian. His father was a police officer. The father was on duty at the time and was washed overboard with three others. The problem here is that the news broadcast this fact consistently for a while. The bodies couldn't be found and then this officer’s lone body was recovered a few days later.

The issue here is that this father was known throughout the school. As an officer in our community, he came to the school on a regular basis as an officer and father. I wasn't there to witness the way the teacher handled the situation, but it is my information that the teacher addressed the whole class. What are your feelings on this considering the death affected the community in general, but it was still this little boy's private issue?

Dennis Martins
PTA President
St. George's Preparatory School
Bermuda

Do you have an experience to share that may help Dennis? Please send in your ideas on how to cope with tragic events that affect entire communities. Contact us so we can pass along your ideas.

Money Changes Everything
January’s “A Piece of the Pie” explored a five-year pilot project that aims to make asset-building a reality for children of every class. Will the “stakeholder account” system catch on? This reader had some questions of his own:

I'd like to read more, learn more about this concept. The quick questions that came to mind as I read your article: What happens if a child is born, receives the $2,000 (or whatever), and then dies before age 18? What happens to the interest earned in such a case? Who controls the account until such time as the child reaches age 18? Could the money be used for Major Medical co-pay situations (cancer, severe auto accident, etc)?

I have always believed this concept would be a wonderful thing to do (not sure the children of the "wealthy elite" deserve or would need the fund set-up at birth, however!) as it would give many the opportunity to actually learn about interest bearing accounts and start early preparing for major expense coverage and/or retirement. I would assume it is an account where deposits could be made---how is the accounting of the original "donated" (provided?) funds versus the child's funds, be they deposited by family, friends, or the child when they have an income from work before they turn 18, handled?

As you can see, the questions begin to compound for me at this stage—I'm very glad to hear others are actually working on making it a real possibility!

James N. Welch, M.A.
Supervisor, Transitional Living Programs
Family Resources, Inc.

Mental Health Challenges
February’s “A Whole Family Approach to Meds” looked at growing scientific concerns that some antidepressants may be linked to an increased risk of suicide and suicidal thinking in children and adolescents. It received this response from a concerned mom:

My 9 year-old son was diagnosed with ODD {oppositional defiant disorder) at age 4,No meds were given. With increasingly aggressive, defiant behavior and trouble reading in school, I had him tested. He was found to have dyslexia, dysgraphia and ADD. The first psychiatrist he saw placed him on Risperidol at age 6...and diagnosed him with bipolar. This has since been questioned numerous times by four different therapists and MDs.

He's been on 6 different meds—that helps with the defiance and impulsiveness, for a month or so, then he develops a tolerance to it.....(does this mean he's bipolar, or could it be a personality disorder?)

I don't know how long it will last. Young children are hard to diagnose due to the overlapping of symptoms for different disorders. I know there are Spectrum scans being done in some parts of the country to diagnose ADD, but it isn't available here in MS to my knowledge and insurance does not pay for it. I wish someone would develop a more definitive diagnostic tool at younger ages so earlier intervention could be started.

JCM

Also from February, “Ribbons of Hope” highlighted a support system for depressed adolescents.

Thank you for doing this article on suicide. I pray that this article wakes many people up who feel that "this will never happen in our family". I certainly felt that way until it did.

Margaret Strahm

Going Through the Motions
January’s “Teacher Quality in Lake Wobegon” questioned the very different ways states are defining teacher quality to meet the requirements of the federal No Child Left Behind law. It left the following reader wondering about quality matters closer to home:

I live in Racine, Wisconsin and I have a fourteen year-old nephew who is not able to read or spell at his grade level, because the school system just believes in pushing the children through. How can I get my nephew help and to stop this crazy way that our school system is running? It makes me angry as an early childhood educator myself I am appalled at my school system. What can I do without losing my job?

Marion

Homeless Homework
“Keeping it Simple” from March profiled the School on Wheels program in California which helps homeless children keep up with their schoolwork by providing volunteer tutors.

What a fantastic story!! You really got to the heart of what it is like to be homeless for a child. I am a board member and grant committee member for volunteer organization called Project Connect Homeless Children's Fund in Cincinnati, OH. We raise funds for a program called Project Connect that provides similar services.

Christine

Heavy Advice
Visions of sugarplums seem to dance in kids’ heads the whole year through. After Connect for Kids published “Sugarplum Society” during the winter holidays, parents shared some of their own healthy advice on helping kids eat right and stay healthy:

Bravo! I am a parent who wholeheartedly endorses and tries to live according to the principles and actions mentioned in the article. I often feel so alienated as a parent in our junk food and marketing driven society; it is truly an uphill battle to raise children without giving into the pervasive emphasis on junk food. This article made me feel validated. Thank you.

Mary-Helen "M.H." Nsangou

As a mother of a 3 1/2 year old who has yet to taste candy, I can tell you it's VERY hard to keep a child away from junk. NOT because the child wants it, but because our SOCIETY pushes it SO hard. Even relatives are unable to understand, let alone support, our decision to keep junk food (candy, soda, anything chocolate, burgers for the most part, hotdogs, etc.) out of our children's mouths for as long as possible. Television shows, movies, outright advertising and even subtle advertising push junk...when was milk ever plugged in a movie? Kids' toys push junk (see PlayDoh machinery for McDonald's goods, etc.)

Jennifer Best
Orcutt Union School District
Orcutt, California

With small children, especially, I find the most effective way to limit advertising pressure and unhealthy habits is to severely limit TV viewing. My 4 1/2 year-old is limited to PBS and videotapes from the library and program-viewing time is no more than one hour a day. This leaves time to do the other things that children should be doing.

Of course I also offer a variety of cut up fresh fruit and vegetables as snacks and consciously do not have large amounts of junk food constantly hanging around the house. We do eat sweets but sparingly. We also avoid ALL fast food restaurants and eat almost all of our meals prepared in our home, together.

Helen Pacheco

Potpourri
Readers often write in to share their unique services that often have something to do with recent Connect for Kids’ stories. Here’s a couple we thought you’d like to know about:

I thought your readers might be interested in the article I wrote for Senator John Vasconcello’s Legacy Project. When neighbors work together, children stay safe. If anyone needs more information, they are welcome to contact me.

Stephanie Mann
Violence Prevention Specialist
Program Director, Street Safe Kids
www.compeace.org

Freckles: The Mystery of the Little White Dog in the Desert is about the human-animal bond. With [this] book as a vehicle, I teach humane education (and writing skills) to approximately 1,000 elementary school students a week. I also teach humane ed to youngsters at Boys & Girls Clubs in Phoenix, and I've just been asked to develop a similar program for 2-, 3-, and 4-year-olds in crisis nurseries here in the Valley. I sincerely believe we can do much to interrupt the cycle of violence in our society by reaching children at an early age. Children who learn to be nice to animals are invariably nice to each other! I also speak to teachers and other adults about the direct connection between animal abuse and domestic violence.

Paul M. Howey
www.FrecklesFriends.org

Thanks everyone for letting us hear from you. Be sure to sign up your neighbors and relatives to receive Connections, Connect for Kids' free monthly e-magazine that highlights all of our original articles.

Talk Back

If you’ve got comments or questions about this story, we’d like to hear them. Send your response to Susan Philiips (Susan@connectforkids.org).