Donnelly has seen a significant change in attitudes about parenting in the United States over the last ten years or more. "Not only is there increased concern for the well-being of children, children who are abused and neglected, children who are growing up in poverty, but in general for the way in which we care for our children as parents and as a society," Donnelly said.

The nonprofit group Donnelly heads has itself measured a significant decline in the use of aggressive forms of discipline in favor of alternative methods such as time outs, talking with children, offering children choice, and judiciously choosing the areas in which to disagree with children.

She attributes the trend to a better understanding of how children develop in the early years. With an appreciation of children's developmental stages, parents can more readily help children learn self-control and ethical behavior.

But she has less hope that our neighborhoods will provide a safe and stable environment in the future. "So many of the problems that we face in the care of our young children emanate out of indifference and inaction by all of us in our own communities," Donnelly said. Parents of young children could benefit from the support of others in the community.

Parents who feel overburdened, whether because they're on their own, they're young, or they're in financial distress, have the option of receiving a home visitor on a weekly basis for as long as a year or two. The home visitor hooks them up with services in the community and teaches them parenting skills. They also have the benefit of a medical home, where their child has a primary care doctor.

Many people assume that discipline is a bad thing. "All children need discipline. The question is what are the more positive ways to establish discipline in children's lives," Donnelly said. "Discipline is just about learning how to behave well and interact in appropriate ways with other people and with oneself," she added.

More and more, parents are realizing there are not only more positive but also more effective ways to discipline children than spanking. As our knowledge of child development grows, such alternative methods of discipline are likely to become mainstream, Donnelly predicted.

Methods of discipline that teach children to act in positive ways are more effective than punishment for inappropriate behavior. A parent or other care giver who uses physical force to discipline a child teaches a child violent behavior, not self-control, Donnelly said.

Studies have shown that in classrooms where teachers use corporal punishment, such as rapping children on the wrists with a ruler, there is more disruptive behavior, not less. "What are all the children learning from their teacher? Donnelly asked quizzically. "It's O.K. to hit each other with a wooden stick," she answered.

Spanking your child once is not likely to teach a child that violence is the way to resolve conflicts. It is a pattern of behavior or interaction that is destructive. "It's when you're yelling at your kid day in and day out for any reason, 'you're so stupid. I wish you were never born,'" Donnelly observed. A child's self-esteem is shattered by such daily verbal assaults. And it's hard for a child to show respect for others when he's not shown the same respect.

Parents can teach infants—even those a couple of months old—discipline by responding to their needs with love, respect, and consistency. A baby cries because it needs something. "You teach a child a tremendous amount of discipline by picking up the child and trying to figure out what's wrong. Letting a baby just cry in a crib does not teach a child anything positive," Donnelly said.

It's important to give toddlers choices and to show them positive ways to do something. In this way, parents model positive behavior for their young children and teach them, in essence, discipline. For example, give your toddler a choice of what to eat at meal times, so the toddler can exercise her fledgling autonomy.

Many parents of toddlers find it can be trying to take their child out to eat. Modeling appropriate behavior at home for the toddler makes a difference. And it is useful to take children out to eat, because they learn a more disciplined approach to meals.

But don't take your child to the best French restaurant in town. Learn how to order fast, take a book or crayons and paper with you, and don't be surprised if your child crawls into your lap as you're about to eat your soup.

Remember that toddlers are not young adults. "To expect them to behave like young adults can lead to tremendous disappointment, but also enormous frustration," Donnelly remarked. Many parents are embarrassed by their children's behavior in public because they feel they'll be judged by others. "But they are kids," Donnelly pointed out.