Renee Skinner has some advice for parents feeling stressed out: “Don’t be afraid to ask [about how to find help]. You will never know what’s out there unless you ask.”

A few months ago, Skinner’s life fell apart. Because of domestic violence and conflicts with her boyfriend, Child Protective Services removed her three daughters, leaving her with her infant and toddler sons.

Skinner, Art Hernandez, and Yolanda Duran, struggling with very different challenges, all reached out to get help.

Renee Skinner

Before, Skinner recalls, “I had fear and shame, that if I sought support, I was weak.” But when her daughters were removed, “I called and researched different organizations to help me. I kept telling myself I had to get the best life for myself so I could support myself first, then my kids.”

She finally found Shafter Healthy Start at the Rich-land School District, in Kern County, and joined a support group for parents facing serious problems. Skinner “is very active and determined to do whatever is needed to get her kids back,” says group leader Angela Arredondo.

“Very Supportive”
But Skinner says, “If it wasn’t for the (group) I wouldn’t have built up the confidence. My teacher has been very supportive. She gives me advice about my kids and other things, like when I start to doubt my progress.” Arredondo also visits Skinner at home and has helped her find resources, including food and employment services.

“Every time I go to the classes, I get to know (the other parents) better,” Skinner says. Arredondo adds that the parents are now creating their own circle of support—babysitting, shopping, going to the park.

“Show Respect.”
Because of the support group, Skinner says, “I have a better view of myself. (And) the classes have taught me a better way to communicate with my kids. Now I know I need to show my children respect so I can get their respect.”

Art Hernandez

With two grown daughters, Art Hernandez suddenly became the single parent of a four-and-a-half-year-old son. “I met his mom when he was four months old and was in a relationship with her until he was four-and-a-half. The day his mom left him with me, she said, in front of him, that her new boyfriend didn’t want him around.” Hernandez thought, “If I don’t do anything for this little boy, who will?”

Soon after, Rudy “woke up one morning with a swollen eye. I called my mom and she said, ‘Take him to the doctor.’” But Rudy said he felt well enough to go to school.

“I Got All this Help”
“On the way home,” Hernandez recalls, “I thought, ‘if he ever gets sick, I don’t know where to take him!’ It was the most scary thing. I knew I had to be a better parent but I didn’t know how.” So he looked in the phone book and found Parents Anonymous, a national organization that runs groups where parents help themselves and each other learn and find support.

At Hernandez’s first meeting, “I said ‘I need to find a doctor and don’t know how to do it.’” The other parents in the group, all women, “directed me to doctors they used.” They advised him to “go to the courthouse to make sure I was the legal guardian. I got all this help from women I didn’t know, without being judged. I still get choked up about it.”

“Everything I Needed”
In Parents Anonymous, “I received everything I needed to be the kind of dad I wanted to be for my son. It also helped me be a better dad to my daughters. I am able to listen and really hear what my kids are saying.”

Now, says Hernandez, “I work with Parents Anonymous staff, training parents and service providers on how to work together.”

Rudy is “almost 13 now,” Hernandez adds. “We have a good relationship—we talk about everything. If he asks me questions I answer them honestly, based on his age level.”

Yolanda Doran

“It’s difficult being a woman!” That’s the name of the course Yolanda Doran signed up for at the Chula Vista Community Collaborative. The mothers were drawn to the class by the name, says facilitator Paty Osuna, and by a flyer offering help with problems like low self-esteem and difficulty communicating with their kids.

“I Try Every Day”
“I enjoyed the classes a lot,” Doran later wrote, “because they taught me that first I am myself—if I’m OK, everything will be OK.”

In the classes, says Osuna, the women read and discussed stories of women facing similar problems. They also shared experiences and offered each other advice. They learned techniques for combating depression and teachers helped them connect to community services.

“I learned from every class,” Doran wrote “and I learned from every one of the other women. But if I ha not done anything to put it into practice, it wouldn’t have helped. So I try every day to feel better, with the help of God and with the information they teach us.”

“The Engine of the Household”
The classes included tips “to help our children progress.” But the most important point, Doran emphasized, was that “if we are doing well, then they will do well. I’m the engine of the household and I have to love myself—then my family and friends.”

Many women in the class form friendships that continue, reports Heather Nemour, coordinator of the program. When the course ends, “It’s always, ‘Now what? I want to be more involved in the community!’”

Does Parent Support Work?

• The National Council on Crime and Delinquency recently studied parents who had participated in Parents Anonymous groups for six months. They found that more than three-quarters were feeling less stress and two-thirds had improved their parenting skills.
• On a checklist measuring family stability, participants in Shafter Healthy Start improve their scores after three months in the program, and improve twice as much after six months.

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This article originally appeared in the July-August 2008 issue of the Children's Advocate http://www.4children.org/news/708pare.htm published by Action Alliance for Children.

Learn More, Make a Difference

For more on parental education and support groups, check out:

• Connect for Kids Parenting topic page
• Parents Anonymous
• The National Healthy Start Association
• Or ask at a local clinic, church, or community service organization.

To get involved with a local group, or take action in your hometown, visit:

• CFK’s Taking Action topic page

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This article originally appeared in the July-August 2008 issue of the Children's Advocate, published by Action Alliance for Children.